By Amelia Mularz
On Wednesday, Ryan Gosling let the world know that this is a break, not a breakup. He told the Associated Press that he needs some time away from acting and said, “I need a break from myself as much as I imagine the audience does.”
No, Ryan, no we do not.
But regardless of what we think (or how many times we throw ourselves at him), Ryan needs his space. So how will we function without Ryan Gosling the actor? Surely the repercussions will be felt on a global level. Here’s how we imagine it will all go down:
Lines at Disneyland Reach Mind-Boggling Lengths
Ryan once told a reporter, “I’m in a relationship with Disneyland.” And now that he’ll have more free time, we imagine he’ll give the Magic Kingdom some good lovin’ and head there on a daily basis. But with the “Notebook” hunk wondering freely through the park, mass crowds are sure to follow. Ultimately, gaggles of Gosling-hungry girls will overrun the Happiest Place on Earth (if the army of feral Disneyland cats don’t do it first).
The Internet Declared Useless
Sure, we’ll still be able to email and watch baby sloth videos on YouTube, but without new inspiration for “Hey Girl” memes, there will be a virtual tumbleweed blowing across the web (and our hearts).
Dead Man’s Bones Creates Most Important Music of the 21st Century
One upside to this whole “break” thing is that Ry Guy will have more time to focus on his music. With that kind of Gosling-level focus, his band, Dead Man’s Bones, is sure to dominate the music industry. By 2014, the Gos will be telling Beyoncé to bow down.
Surge in Crime and Fatal Accidents
Batman had a cape. Ryan prefers a striped tank and some capri sweatpants. At least that’s what he was wearing in the summer of 2011 when he broke up a street fight in NYC. Less than a year later, he saved a British journalist from getting hit by a car. So if taking a break from acting also means taking a break from being a hero, humanity is in for a doozy.
Ice Caps Finally Melt, Once and for All.
He’s crusaded against wonky burger meat at McDonald’s, and vulgar chicken practices at KFC (though there’s nothing more vulgar than those KFC bacon-smothered tater bowls… and by “vulgar” we mean scrumptious). He’s also encouraged kids to recycle, which makes Ryan one green actor with a heart of gold. Surely he’ll carry on his environmental mission as a non-actor, but if he doesn’t, the world could soon be flooded with pink slime.
In other words, please don’t go, Ryan.