‘John Carter’ Brings ‘Friday Night Lights’ To Space

Forget Texas, Tim Riggins — Barsoom forever!

Yes, I know that’s not Riggs hopping around all over “John Carter.” But watching the sci-fi movie at a screening earlier this week, I couldn’t help but imagine how amazing it would be if Taylor Kitsch wasn’t playing a space-bound Civil War veteran, but his fan-favorite “Friday Night Lights” character instead. As with most other “FNL” fans, I’m missing the days of Dillon football so badly, that I’d pay money to see any and all of these Texans embark on their own interstellar adventures, Riggins especially. Mars needs moms? Eff that. Mars needs #33!

Anyway, this notion of “’Friday Night Lights’ in space” stirred something very, very weird in the minds of Hollywood Crush editor Amy Wilkinson, Movies Blog assistant editor Kevin P. Sullivan and myself: what if the “FNL” cast left Dillon forever and headed out to the endless lights of space? Our answers lie beyond the break.

Tyra Collette of Venus
With Dillon’s former fullback ruling Mars, it only stands to reason that his female counterpart, bad-girl-gone-good Tyra Collette, preside over Venus. Named for the Roman goddess of beauty, the second planet would be a fitting home for the gorgeous, coltish blonde. There, we imagine she’d have unlimited access to algebra tutors and be able to peruse her dreams of politics. You know, like Mrs. T, only bigger. -Amy Wilkinson
Epyck and Santiago of Pluto
Remember when you knew Pluto as a planet? You thought it was important, that it wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon and that it actually mattered — but then, in an instant, it was gone, no longer considered a planet. Well, the same thing happened to two supporting characters on “FNL.” We met and even learned to like Santiago, a wayward teen, and Epyck, a different wayward teen, but just when it seemed like they meant something to the story: gone. They disappeared, essentially without a trace. Our only explanation for their absence would have to be spontaneous travel to Pluto, since no one would ever think to look there. -Kevin P. Sullivan

Buddy Garrity of the Moon
One of these days, we’re going to be doing more than just walking on the moon. Our descendants will live there, likely in survival mode-only space stations, but perhaps in massive corporate-driven environment as envisioned in “WALL-E.” If the latter happens, there’s no one in Dillon better equipped to turn the Moon into a moneymaker than big Buddy senior. Bring Junior along to help out, rescue Santiago from Pluto. Heck, even Jason Street could have another shake with the shift in gravity. Just leave the strippers in Dillon, Bud — best to keep this professional. -Josh Wigler

The Landry Clarke Murder Plot of the Sun
Just to be clear, we’d never suggest sending Crucivictorious’ lead singer to the fiery star (his ginger complexion would necessitate one heck of a scientific breakthrough in SPF technology). But what we would like to dispatch is Lance’s Landry’s ludicrous story arc in which he bludgeons Tara’s would-be rapist to death. (Clearly, we’re not the only ones.) At 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit, the sun’s balmy surface should be enough to obliterate that clunker of a premise. Just barely. -AW

Coach Eric and Tami Taylor of Earth
Some people are just too precious to humankind to let them go off traveling around the universe. We must keep the Taylors close by, so we can look to them for guidance at all stages of life. Without them, who would answer life’s toughest questions? “Can I marry your daughter?” Absolutely not. “Who needs to ’come on’?” Y’all do. The wisdom of the Taylors is simply so essential to the maintenance of human decency that their departure would mean the end of days. They are the ideal we should all aspire to when it comes to parenting, companionship and consuming large amounts of white wine. -KPS

Joe and JD McCoy of Uranus
Heh. But seriously, f— those guys. -JW

» BONUS: For an additional take on “Tim Riggins in Space,” please see this gem from my good friend and occasional MTV Movies mustache blogger Jim Gibbons.

Tell us which “FNL” character you’d send to space in the comments and on Twitter!