Clint Eastwood’s Super Bowl Ad: Five Things His Voice Would Improve

Thanks to Clint Eastwood’s Super Bowl commercial, the economy is saved — unemployment is over, production is up, and we will all be fine, bless us. Okay, not really, but his Chrysler ad touting the revival of the American workforce was minorly touching, if only because his gruff voice adds so much weight to any statement. He could have said something like, “Bears are responsible for 90% of forest fires,” and we would’ve listened. Duh, he’s Clint Eastwood!

In that spirit, we thought of five other things that his trademark growl could improve. Check ’em out past the jump.

1. College Graduation Role Calls: The names are usually mispronounced, the pace is stultifyingly slow, and the perfunctory applause after every name makes the whole thing drag on for hours. Eastwood would make things speed along, and his bark would be enough to convince overzealous parents to hold onto their applause until after everyone had received their diploma. He probably wouldn’t do that much better with the pronunciation, but the kids would remember it as the last high moment of their lives before entering a blue period of unemployment.

2. The New Voice Of Siri: “Siri, can you tell me where the closest Taco Bell is?” “No.”

3. Default Cell Phone Ringtone: It would be a low growl followed by several hacking coughs, topped off with a bitter “Pick up the damn phone.” You wouldn’t necessarily be able to hear it all the time, but you’d definitely feel it in your heart.

4. Bank Fraud Detection: *click* “This is Chase Bank. Your account has made an unauthorized purchase of Girls Gone Wild Vol. XIII – Vancouver, but we’ve reversed it and frozen your assets for the time being. Don’t worry: we’re going to hunt down this bastard and give him all he’s worth.” And so, the plot for the next “Dirty Harry” movie was written.

5. Electronic Rat Traps Catch-and-kill rat traps are so cruel; why bother, when a sternly-issued warning would get them to skitter back to the sewers? “Hey! Get the hell out of here, you little punk!” the Eastwood voice would say whenever approached. The rats would flee, your house would stay clean, and everyone would win.

Name five things Clint Eastwood’s voice would improve in the comments and on Twitter!