Even if you’re not as smitten with “The Twilight Saga” as the legions of screaming tweens around the country currently skipping school to see “Breaking Dawn – Part 1,” the movie might be worth checking out just for the bananas birth scene at the film’s end. Young Bella Swan, impregnated with Edward Cullen’s vampire seed, goes into labor, and when a scalpel can’t penetrate the placenta and unleash the bloodsucking fetus, her hubby starts noshing on her tummy. The whole scene is bloody and campy and ridiculous and, while not exactly worth the price of admission, is undoubtedly one of the most memorably nuts movie sequences of 2011.
In this way, the “Breaking Dawn” childbirth joins a long and occasionally venerable list of gruesome movie birth scenes. Read about some of them below.
“Conan the Barbarian”
As if we needed any more evidence that Ron Perlman is the coolest dude on earth, he swoops in out of nowhere to perform a mid-battle cesarean on his wounded wife. Then he holds little Conan above his head like he just scored the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl and is gonna spike the kid on the ground.
This one’s gross only in that we didn’t see it coming. Not for a second did we assume Judd Apatow would train his camera on Katherine Heigl’s stunt vagina. But he did. And we were left thinking the audience — to tweak what Jay Baruchel had declared minutes earlier in the movie — shouldn’t have gone in there.
It’s not enough that this woman asexually reproduced and is carrying her baby outside her body thanks to the deranged ministrations of her psychotherapist? She then has to grasp her mutant dwarf baby and lick it clean of blood, placenta and who knows what else? No, for David Cronenberg, it was not nearly enough.
In what can only be described as Cronenberg’s effort to out-Cronenberg himself after “The Brood,” the director has poor Geena Davis — terrified that she would give birth to a mutant freak after Jeff Goldblum impregnated her — dream that she is giving birth to a huge bloody larva worm thing.
“Freddy Got Fingered”
When Tom Green finds himself in a hospital room next to a woman in labor, his OBGYN instincts have him asking the baby to take his hand, biting through the umbilical cord with his teeth, and trying to “wake up” the baby by swinging it like a lasso above his head. Tom Green is not a doctor. Nor should he be allowed to write, direct and star in a movie.
“The Hills Have Eyes 2″
Talk about an embarrassment of gross-birth riches: the movie opens with a naked prisoner disgorging a bloody mutant baby and then getting her skull crushed by her captor. At least she’ll never suffer from postpartum depression.
“Texas Chainsaw Massacre”
Anyone who’d been wondering how Leatherface entered this world got an answer in this 2006 horror flick when we saw the future killer squeezed out in a nasty meatpacking plant and chucked in a nastier dumpster. The little tyke never had a chance!
“Men in Black”
A seemingly normal traffic stop turns into a truly bizarre miracle-of-alien-birth scene when a squid-ish extraterrestrial peeks out from between a pregnant woman’s legs and starts flinging Will Smith around like a ragdoll. The galaxy defender is about to declare the newborn is cute when it pukes all over him. Here come the…men covered in baby vomit?
“Dawn of the Dead”
Like a zombie mom squirting out her zombie spawn is going to be anything other than f–king disgusting.
“Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls”
Wherein Jim Carrey is birthed from a rhinoceros’ butthole.
Tell us what you think of the “Breaking Dawn” birth scene in the comments section and on Twitter!