‘Escape From New York’ Remake Stalls Out

by Brian Phares

In the words of Queen: another one bites the dust.

New Line has reportedly backed out of the proposed remake/reboot of “Escape From New York,” leaving the movie in a state of studio-free limbo, hot on the heels of the recent news that “The Dark Tower” series has suffered the same fate.

The project has not been without much rumor and speculation; it has been hard pressed to find a director and names like Jeremy Renner, Gerard Butler and Josh Brolin were all thrown around to take on the role of Snake Plissken. But in all honesty, I’m not too upset upon hearing that this remake has, for the moment, been canned. Why go for the remake when there’s still so much bad-ass plot potential with the currently existing Plissken?

For further proof, see below for some potential ways to capitalize on the one and only Snake Plissken.

Hot In Cleveland
Snake Plissken’s past is much like anyone who has ever been unfortunate enough to get in his way: it’s full of holes. For those of you who saw “Escape From LA,” you may have noted characters alluding to some mythical escape that happened in Cleveland sometime after the events of “Escape From New York.” I need to know what happened!

This could be the Escape series’ equivalent of Star Wars’ “Shadows of the Empire.” Why stop at Cleveland? There’s a whole timeline before “Escape From New York” that can be delved into: WWIII, his family’s murder, and the eye patch are just a few potential holes that could be plugged up.

Old Man Plissken (sung to the tune of Old Man River)
Let’s face it: Kurt Russell is Snake. If we’re to continue his story, then we get Old Man Snake, a character akin to Clint Eastwood in “Unforgiven.” He’s just an older man who has tried to give up his violent past, only to be thrust back into it by fate.

Sometime after the electricity-ending events of “Escape From LA,” Snake has moved on and is living a simple life on a South American homestead with his beautiful wife (who definitely has to be at least twenty years his junior — that’s how he rolls). Life without electricity is just what Snake needed; in the olden days they would have called him a warrior, but now he’s just a fugitive. Needless to say, everybody else thought electricity was pretty neat so it was only a matter of time before it was restored, GPS satellites came back on, and Snake is hunted down. They kill his wife, they burn his farm… and now it’s time for them to die!

Casting Is Everything
For arguments sake, I’ll flirt with the idea of a remake, but the remake has to be a foundation for a newer and better serialized franchise that harkens back to James Bond. Most importantly though, the franchise needs a good Snake. When I try to think of the saltiest character I can in recent memory, only one name comes to mind, and only one man can pull it off.

I’m talking about none other than Josh Holloway, aka James ‘Sawyer’ Ford from “Lost.” The timing is perfect: “Lost” ended just last year and Josh has a stint in the upcoming “Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol.” “Escape From New York” would be the perfect franchise to launch Mr. Holloway’s career and I think it’s about time he earned the spotlight. Throw Luc Besson of “Fifth Element” fame into the mix as the director and I’m sold. Plus, check this out:

See? Gold!

[Editor’s Note: I’m the worst Photoshopper on the planet. -JW]

Are you happy about the “Escape from New York” remake stalling out, or are you disappointed? How would you carry on the adventures of Snake Plissken? Tell us what you think in the comments section and on Twitter!