‘Harry Potter’ And The Ridiculous Spinoff Suggestions

by Brian Phares

With “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2” making its final bow with today’s big screen release, fans are surely finding themselves clamoring for more Potter. Sure, Pottermore is in the works. And sure, J.K. Rowling is inevitably writing, well, something. But even still, the fans no doubt want more “Potter,” on the written page or on the screen.

So, powers that be, if you’re thinking about giving us more “Potter,” here’s my list of five possible — and definitely not so possible — spinoffs for the series.

Law & the Order of the Phoenix
There is a plethora of material that can be delved into in the post-Voldemort “Harry Potter” universe, and no story seems more ripe for TV than that of Harry Potter and his glory days as an auror. Imagine a “Law & Order” style show starring Harry as the hot-headed auror, Ron as the partner with misgivings but lots of heart, and Hermione as that lab tech nerd who is always analyzing security footage and saying “enhance” as if it were a mantra. Of course, in this case, it would probably be the floo network or a crystal ball. TNT, please pick this up.

Don’t S.P.E.W. On Me, These House Elves Don’t Run
One aspect of the “Potter” story that got swept under the cinematic rug was Hermione’s Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare, aka S.P.E.W. I always wanted to see this story play out, and I’m sure many other “Potter” fans would as well. How epic would it be if Hermione single-handedly led a house elf revolution? Imagine the carnage: thousands of house elves exacting revenge on their former masters, apparating all over the place, and all of it would culminate with Draco getting tickle tortured while Kreacher, doing his best Bill Pullman, shouts to masses of onlooking elves: “Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!”

How Hagrid Got His Groove Back
I was a little upset that Snape won our Harry Potter World Cup, since I was team Hagrid all the way. Finally, Hagrid gets his chance to shine in this awesome coming of age story about him falling for the massive half ogre Madame Maxime, training his brother Grawp to speak English, and finally being readmitted to Hogwarts so he could finish his studies and become a real wizard. I imagine the closing scene would be Hagrid with diploma in hand, Madame Maxime wiping tears out of her eyes, and Grawp getting drunk at the after party and making a fool out of himself with a terrible speech.

Xenophilius and the Hunt for the Crumple-Horned Snorkack
Nobody believed him. But they were wrong. One man would show the world that he was right all along, and the consequences will be unimaginable. Xenophilius Lovegood. Will. Have. JUSTICE.

Hogwarts: Year One
I’ve saved the best for last. This would far and away be the most awesome HBO miniseries ever. Imagine the intrigue as Godric Gryffindor (played by Russell Crowe), Helga Hufflepuff (played by Diane Keaton), Rowena Ravenclaw (played by Mary McDonell) and Salazar Slytherin (played by none other than Daniel Day Lewis with his crazy moustache) face off in a “Game of Thrones” style battle for the title of headmaster, and the recruiting of Hogwarts’ first class of pupils who must band together to help stop Salazar’s ruthless anti-muggle tendencies. EPIC.

Brian Phares is a mad genius who we occasionally let out of the MTV News supply closet to hop on his Movies Blog soap box. The result? Crazy Talk. Go easy on him, kids.