by Brian Phares
After hearing that Jason Statham may be a possible replacement for Shia LaBeouf as the lead in a fourth installment in the “Transformers” franchise, my mind began to race with awesome plot possibilities. Below are the first five that came to mind. Feel free to share your ideas in the comments section.
Jason Statham as… Optimus Prime?
Yes, that’s right. In some bizarre twist of fate, the Autobots have discovered a new technology allowing them to transform into humans, T-1000 style. First in line to try this new technology? Optimus Prime. Who does he decide to transform into? You guessed it. Because other than Optimus, who on this planet is more badass than Jason Statham?
The Transphormer (a very, very soft H)
Jason Statham is once again Frank Martin, going about his business being a ridiculous driver/transporter of illegal wares, when he finds himself asked to transport a mysterious yellow car. When Martin notices that the car’s handling is out of this world, he decides to screw his employer and keep the car for his own. Inevitably his employers get wise to this and send out a hit squad of other equally amazing drivers to come after our hero. But after the vehicle sprouts machine guns and jet boosters in the middle of an epic car chase, Martin realizes he has just inherited none other than Bumblebee. An unbreakable friendship (and an unbelievably awesome crossover) is born.
Jason Statham: Mechsuit Warrior
As part of a covert ops project, the government has been trying to find ways to ward off the Decepticons without the help of the Autobots. The result? A massive mechsuit is created, piloted by none other than Jason Statham. Step aside Optimus, this suit doesn’t need to transform because it couldn’t possibly become anything more awesome than Jason Statham chopping off robot heads and delivering impossible roundhouse kicks from the comfort of a giant mechsuit.
Jason Statham: Time Hostage
Jason Statham is Rangor Tiberian, the greatest Roman warrior of all time. During the battle of Carthage, as he faces the oncoming barbarian horde, he closes his eyes and prays to gaze upon the face of Zeus once and for all… but is instead greeted by Megatron’s ugly mug. Guess what, Rangor Tiberian? You just got abducted by evil robots! Held hostage for over a thousand years, Tiberian learns everything he can about his captors, their secrets, and how he can escape his Chrono-Bondage. Needless to say, he succeeds (he’s Jason Statham, after all) and finds himself in modern day America, where he becomes the Autobots’ only hope of defeating the Decepticons once and for all. Think “Coming to America” meets “Gladiator,” with a lot more robots.
Jason Statham: Bionic Man
After stumbling upon a piece of the allspark, Jason Statham is granted the power to control machines. Yes, even Transformers. Optimus Prime gets wind of this power and convinces Statham to mind meld with Megatron and destroy the Decepticons once and for all. Controlling machines, however, isn’t always a one way street…
As you can see, Jason Statham lends a lot of possibilities to the Transformers series. We’ll just have to wait and see if any of these possible ideas come to life in the big screen. [Editor’s Note: Probably not going to happen, Brian. But I’m all for Rangor Tiberian: The Movie! -JW]