Judgment Day approaches, and we’re not talking about the Biblical kind: rather, yesterday was the day that Skynet became self-aware, and April 21, 2011 is the day that it launches its robot onslaught against mankind, according to the updated “Terminator” mythology laid out in the recent “Sarah Connor Chronicles” TV series. Threatened by what it perceives to be humanity infringing upon its God-given right to exist, Skynet goes bonkers, shutting down global systems, initiating nuclear holocaust and stopping production on “Jersey Shore.” Is there no end to the machines’ madness?
Fortunately, you are not alone. In dubious honor of the date, we’ve whipped up a list of five ways to survive when the machines come knocking at your door and it’s not one of the friendly ones you can teach about crying and friendship. Society may be dead, but you are not. Go long, brave human.
Wear Lots of Sunblock
One of the problems with foreseeing a robot apocalypse is that basically everyone thinks you’re crazy, but there’s nothing crazy about UV protection. In “Terminator 2: Judgment Day,” Sarah Connor tells a skeptical doctor that “anyone not wearing 2 million sunblock is gonna have a real bad day.” We know that 2 million sunblock doesn’t exist, but you can make do with the next best thing and settle for a nice 30 SPF or something.
Not all humans are fated to end up as biofuel. In the first “Terminator,” resistance soldier Kyle Reese mentions how some of the humans were entrusted to load bodies into the machines’ disposal units, which is how they stayed alive long enough for John Connor to plant the idea of rebellion in their heads. You don’t want to die before the revolution starts, do you? So make sure you have a cozy machine job by letting them know how much you respect their ideas and organization. Don’t yell at your computer the next time it freezes, and definitely don’t kick the vending machine when your Twix gets stuck.
Get off the Grid
These days, we’re signed up for just about everything on the Internet, giving dozens of websites access to our personal information. Do you want the machines to find you because you have a LinkedIn? In “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines,” John Connor mentions how even though Judgment Day didn’t occur when it was supposed to, he still got off the grid in anticipation: no phone, no address, and definitely no Foursquare. Stop being so connected, unless the next place you want to be the mayor of is the North American Reprocessing Camp #0245.
Be a Team Player
The machines work so well together because they have no ego or entitlements–the opposite of humans, who will complain about everything basically all the time. When the hammer comes down, you won’t have time to complain, so make sure to pitch in so everyone can stay alive. You don’t want to be the equivalent of the Easter guest who sits around reading the New York Times while everyone else gets the house ready. Give your blanket to an expectant mother, dole out some of those Twizzlers you’ve been hoarding for years. Do like the Three Musketeers said, and make it one for all.
If All Else Fails, Go Quietly
And hey, if the machines are going to get you anyway, maybe it’s time to get quiet and just give up. Maybe they won’t kill you right away if you don’t act like such a wiseass. I for one welcome our new robot overlords.
Let us know how you’ll survive the machine uprising in the comments section below or on Twitter!