President’s Day Special: ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ And Other Secret Presidential Side-Jobs

Things have been heating up for Timur Bekmambetov’s adaptation of Seth Grahame-Smith’s novel “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” and you’ll hear no complaints from us. The clever work of historical fiction seamlessly intertwines the great president’s actual experiences with a vast vampire conspiracy and Honest Abe’s secret life as a modern-day(-ish) Van Helsing. There’s been a ton of casting news in recent weeks, including Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Anthony Mackie, Dominic Cooper and Benjamin Walker as Abe himself.

Good stuff for the movie, but what of the myth? What if Abraham Lincoln really was a hunter of those blood-sucking fiends in his spare time? Better question: would the Great Emancipator be quite as “great” to you if he stalked and staked Edward Cullen? Because we have it on good authority that Grahame-Smith’s book is closer to the truth than you realize. That same source, a raving homeless man wearing a tinfoil cap, also gave us the scoop on a few other presidents and their secret lives.

After the jump, check out our completely confirmed (or, uh, not really) list of U.S. presidents and the secret jobs that history never picked up on!

William Howard Taft, Sumo Wrestler
Poor William Howard Taft. He takes so much flak for having been the fattest United States president, tipping the scales at 300+ pounds. What you don’t realize is that he moonlighted as a sumo wrestler in our nation’s then-young league, a league that he squashed after deciding he couldn’t take the fat jokes anymore. (Actual Truth: Taft was the last president to keep a cow for milk on the White House lawn. He was also the only one to also serve as Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court.)

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Costumed Supervillain
The New Deal, social security, the whole laundry list of FDR’s great achievements… all a sham. By day Franklin Delano Roosevelt may have been one of the greatest U.S. presidents who ever lived, but you’d be shocked to hear how he spent his nights. Every day after the sun went down, FDR would slip away from the White House in a mask and tights, terrorizing law-abiding U.S. citizens into giving him what little money they had. The man who saved us all from the hells of the Great Depression may also be the guy who benefited most from it.

George Washington, Imperial Stormtrooper
We all know that “Star Wars” was set “a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.” What you didn’t know is that our very first president, George Washington, is actually from that distant place. He spent his early years in an Imperial training camp on the planet Carida, eventually getting a transfer to the then-under-construction Death Star. He served his emperor well, and proudly. Until the dark day when rebel forces destroyed the planet-busting space station. Washington wasn’t incinerated however — he was instead caught in a temporal vortex which sent him careening through space and time, only to land directly on Plymouth Rock.

Andrew Jackson, Telekinetic
America’s 7th president, Andrew Jackson, was famously the target of our country’s first assassination attempt. His would-be killer drew a pistol and took a shot, only to have the weapon misfire. So he drew a second pistol… and got another misfire. Some call it luck. That’s not true at all. Jackson used his considerable mental abilities to halt both bullets before they could ever leave the chambers of the two weapons. That’s the real reason he’s on the $20 bill. Are you going to argue with a guy who can crush your brain while it’s still inside your skull???

Gerald Ford, Male Model
Gerald Ford and Zoolander have more in common than you might realize — and, believe it or not, this one is actually true!

Celebrate President’s Day by coming up with your own goofy secret presidential jobs in the comments section and on Twitter!