Oh, vuvuzela, how entertaining you are to say, how infernal you are to hear for 90 straight minutes of World Cup play! Yes, South Africa’s favorite horns — bleating continuously during each match like a monstrous storm of prehistoric bumble bees — has divided the globe. Stadium-goers love ’em, while players, broadcasters and countless viewers at home just want them to go away.
Alas, for the moment, it appears the vuvuzela is here to stay. That horn has even got its own Twitter feed, from which it broadcasts missives like, “Bzzzzzz? Bzzzzzz.” Heh. We think its time to move on. But to what? The MTV Movies team has done some thinking and come up with five of cinema’s finest instruments that would be welcome — and awesome! — replacements for the vuvuzela.
Ron Burgundy’s Flaming Jazz Flute (“Anchorman”)
Imagine a World Cup in which those honking vuvuzelas were replaced by the sweet melodies of ten thousand jazz flutists punctuating the balletic toe-tapping of the Brazilian ballers. San Diego’s favorite local newsman prefers to bust out “East Harlem Shakedown” and take his baseline for a walk, but we’ll leave the song selection up to the fans. Just remember to have some 151 proof booze and a lighter on hand to pull off Burgundy’s patented, flame-assisted climax. Conveniently, these flutes can be stored in your jacket sleeve and pulled out a moments notice.
Mr. Miyagi’s Den-Den Daiko (“The Karate Kid Part II”)
If this handheld drum is good enough to be the secret of Miagi family karate, it’s surely good enough for devotees of the planet’s elite soccer teams. Throughout this Okinawa-set sequel, Ralph Macchio’s Daniel looks at the drum as the sort of Platonic ideal of karate chopping and blocking…leading up to his final battle, set to the thumping rhythm of an entire village’s worth of Den-den daiko drummers. That’s the sort of thing that can pump a crowd up. Team Japan, which pulled off a 1-0 victory against Cameron over the weekend, should take particular note of this musical option.
Figrin D’an’s Kloo Horn (“Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope”)
Would it be odd for the World Cup to cast its gaze at a galaxy far, far away for an instrument less annoying than the vuvuzela? Not when its comes to the funky jazz harmonies of the Kloo Horn. We got to know the double-reeded wind instrument when Luke and his robot buddies sauntered into the Mos Eisley Cantina on the planet Tatooine. There Figrin D’an and his band were busy proving that swinging big band music knows no geographical bounds. The loopy music led by the Kloo would fit particularly well during those inevitable World Cup gaffs, like Denmark’s own goal or the butter-fingered howler in which England’s keeper allowed the US’s trickler to sneak in for a score.
Jack Black’s Pick of Destiny (“Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny”)
This flick is silly; it’s guitar pick is anything but. Turns out that every rock god on the planet uses the same pick — constructed by a wizard from Satan’s teeth — to shred their axes. With picks in hand and the ear-shattering wail of thousands of guitars reverberating throughout South Africa, the sound levels may not be any lower, but we have a feeling head-banging and live international soccer play can learn to love each other.
Arnold Poindexter’s Electric Violin (“Revenge of the Nerds”)
With the Greek Games on the line, the pocket protector-wearing students of Lambda Lambda Lambda take to the stage for a high-tech concert of geektastic proportions. A spike-haired Poindexter takes the opportunity to plug in his violin, ditch the classical masters and yank synth tunes from his strings that even Daft Punk might dig. Row after row of World Cup fans with violins tucked under their chins and national colors painted across their faces — now there’s a TV-ready visual the whole world can embrace.