Stay calm everybody. There’s no need to panic. Not unless a dessicated corpse is clawing at your head, trying to feast on the sweet, juicy mind grapes contained therein!!!
We all knew this day would come, and now it has. Thanks to the good folks at Newsweek, we now know that a zombie outbreak has occurred. I hope you all read Max Brooks’ “The Zombie Survival Guide.” And those who have, I hope you’re gathering supplies then ascending to the upper floors of the building you live in and knocking out the lower level stairs. Help will come. And if it doesn’t… well… all is probably lost anyway.
The powers-that-be are trying to cover this up, but don’t be fooled. Go to Newsweek’s homepage and type in the “Konami Code” — up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, [ENTER] — to get the straight facts. And if you believe all of this, proceed past the jump to learn an even deeper truth.
It’s all a big joke of course. My journalistic integrity requires me to make that clear to you. There is no zombie threat… yet. But entering the Konami Code on Newsweek’s home page does indeed reveal a range of terrifying headlines, what you would probably see if there actually were an undead uprising.