Hugh Hefner is Hollywood’s greatest hero. When the aging Playboy Enterprises founder sees a good cause, he fights for it. That’s exactly what happened when Hefner donated the crucial $900,000 needed in order to save the legendary Hollywood sign from becoming the site for new luxury homes and hotels. What a champ.
Truthfully, Hefner’s heroism in this situation makes me wonder about some of the other great Hollywood catastrophes he would have been able to fix if given the chance — the fictional ones, of course! After the jump, here are some Hollywood endings that Hefner could have fixed.
Although the Na’vi were ultimately successful in driving the reckless humans away from Pandora, they were unable to save the Omaticaya Hometree from complete eradication. Enter Hefner, who would have convinced Colonel Quaritch and others that Hometree is a crucial landmark to preserving the integrity of Pandora. If reason failed, he could always drum up a generous donation based on his new Na’vi-centric nude magazine.
Don’t blame the scourge of Manhattan-bound ghosts on Peter Venkman and his ghost-busting allies — that responsibility falls squarely on the shoulders of one Walter Peck. If only Hefner had been around to kick Peck’s sorry hide right out of the EPA, the entirety of New York City wouldn’t have been covered in marshmallows. Then again, marshmallows are delicious, so maybe this one wasn’t such a tragedy after all.
Thanks to a rousing speech from Bill Pullman, a computer virus engineered by Jeff Goldblum and the flying expertise of Will Smith, the aliens were defeated and humanity remained intact at the end of “Independence Day.” But did the conflict really have to escalate to a wide-scale aerial assault? If someone had asked Hefner to offer the aliens a weekend at the Playboy mansion, crop-dusting crazy man Russell Case might still be alive today.
Let’s face it, guys — John Connor is going to die. The odds are just stacked too high against him. If mankind is to survive the robot apocalypse, we’re going to need a new leader. I humbly nominate Hefner, the best choice to introduce cybernetic pornography to the Terminators. A Skynet-authorized porn industry would have the machines so distracted by their own carnal desires that humanity wouldn’t even need to rely on time travel to win the war.
Hefner would never have let Jack go. Just saying.
What other Hollywood endings could Hugh Hefner save? Let us know in the comments section and on Twitter!