A History Of Violence: Historical Figures That Should Get Their Own Action Movies

Hollywood, you tricky dog. Just as I was getting sick of the constant remakes of classic films, the industry turns its attention elsewhere — ridiculous reinterpretations of historical figures.

Marco Polo is the new “Pirates of the Caribbean,” Abraham Lincoln is fighting vampires, and now Leonardo da Vinci is trading in his paintbrush for a Glock 9MM (or at least the High Renaissance equivalent) in an action movie of his own. But why stop there? There are plenty of people throughout the pages of history who would look really cool walking away from explosions in Michael Bay-inspired slow motion.

After the jump, we’ve listed some historical figures that should arm up and join the fight in their very own action movies.

Adam and Eve
Behold, the story of how the world’s first humans became the world’s first action heroes. After stealing fruit from the Garden of Eden, both Eve and her husband find themselves hotly pursued by angelic warriors with holy retribution in their hearts. It’s “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” set to a biblical backdrop — how does it get any better than that?

Benjamin Franklin
Everybody knows the famous story of Benjamin Franklin flying his kite through a lightning storm, but the story of what happened next isn’t quite as commonly told. Franklin’s experiment is the perfect setup for a superhero origin, a story that would be explored in the founding father’s own action movie. If there’s anything better than Benjamin Franklin, it’s Benjamin Franklin with the ability to shoot electricity out of his eyes.

Galileo Galilei
By endorsing Copernicus’ unpopular theory that the Earth was not in fact the center of the universe, Galileo Galilei made himself something of a target as well — a target of an alien empire that can’t risk the possible exposure of the universe’s greatest truths, that is. Abducted by intergalactic warriors and forced into slavery, Galileo must unite an oppressed people to rise up with him, fight for truth and spread the word to everyone back on Earth.

Mahatma Gandhi
An unlikely action hero, even Gandhi knows that non-violent civil disobedience isn’t going to work against a horde of ancient dragons that have been burrowing their way out from the center of the Earth since before the dawn of man. In light of this unexpected threat, Gandhi must inspire the people of Earth to defend themselves against a common enemy, even if that means rolling up the sleeves and taking out the trash.

Teddy Roosevelt
“Speak softly and carry a big stick” takes on a whole new meaning in the action movie based around the 26th President of the United States. The possibilities are truly endless when it comes to Roosevelt as an action hero. Perhaps we’d follow his deadly exploits as a hunter on an African safari. Or perhaps we’d follow him as this guy.

Who else in history would you like to see get the action hero treatment? Tell us in the comments and on Twitter!