If you’re ever looking for a good reason to excuse yourself from a group field trip to the local whore house, just turn to your friends and utter the words: “Bordello of Blood.” If they don’t understand what that means, then it’s time to dust off the old DVD.
“Bordello of Blood” is a “Tales From the Crypt” story that focuses on a funeral parlor that serves as a front for the sexiest bordello in town. It’s also the bloodiest, and when I say bloody, I don’t mean that in the British slang sense. The bordello is run by sultry vampire women who feast on their customers and use their profits to fund a corrupt religious organization run by Chris Sarandon, none other than “Princess Bride” villain Prince Humperdink himself. The situation only gets more violent and weird when a private detective played by Dennis Miller is hired to track down a client’s runaway brother, played by Corey Feldman, who just so happens to be a vampire now thanks to his trip to the whore house.
That’s right. Dennis Miller and Corey Feldman together at last in a vampire movie, with Playboy model Angie Everhart joining them as the most vicious vamp of ’em all, Lilith. If you’re still not sold on that premise alone, then maybe the promise of Super Soakers filled with holy water and an evil dwarf version of Indiana Jones will get your blood going.
It also doesn’t hurt that the always hilarious Crypt Keeper is the film’s narrator, just as he is with all “Tales From the Crypt” fables. His presence here is delightful as ever, thanks to the brilliant vocal work of John Kassir. I’d venture to guess that every movie could benefit from the inclusion of Kassir as the Crypt Keeper, but I have a hunch that I’m alone in that assessment. (Editor’s note: you’re not alone– there are at least two of us)
So, what were we talking about? Oh, right. Avoiding bordellos. Fun as this movie may be, it’s a valuable cautionary tale towards any reckless youths looking to spend some quality time with their friendly neighborhood prostitute. You just never know whether or not the working girl in question is actually plotting to drain your blood and donate your monetary contribution to the local and secretly evil mega-church. Stranger things have happened. Like this.
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