’30 Days Of Night’ Leaves MTV’s Gore Girls Lost In The Alaskan Wilderness

Welcome to Gore Girls! MTV contributor Terri Schwartz doesn’t know crap about the horror genre, and she’s volunteered to be our Movies Blog guinea pig. She has a good guide too. Fellow contributor Jenni Miller is a bonafide horror enthusiast, and she’s willing to walk Terri through her formative experiences with blood, guts, monsters and maniacs. Together, this dynamic duo are THE GORE GIRLS!!! Good luck Terri… you’re definitely going to need it.

Our vampire-themed month for the Gore Girls continues today with “30 Days of Night.” The setup is actually pretty ingenious for a vampire movie. The blood-suckers hate sunlight, right? And Alaska has, what, 100 days or so of sunlight each year? There’s no better place for them to call home, provided they can survive that long hibernation. And “30 Days of Night” has the added bonus of being directed by David Slade, who just wrapped filming on the third “Twilight” movie, “Eclipse.” Take it away, Jenni and Terri.

Terri: Is it sad to say this movie made me miss Edward Cullen?

Jenni: Ahahaha! So I read the comic book a while ago, and its sequel, and the comics themselves are pretty sparse in the plot department. Ben Templesmith’s art is amazing, but they’re the type of comics that you can read in an hour or less.

Terri: Were the vamps as weird and zombie-like in the comics? Did they make weird bird calls there too?

Jenni: I’m kind of surprised that the writer of the comic was also one of the screenwriters because the strongest part of the comic, in my opinion, was the love between Eben and Stella. They weren’t estranged. The vampires were super-freaky because of how fantastic Templesmith’s artwork is, but as far as how they talked, it was indicated by the lettering that it was a different language, but not how it sounded. By the way, I have to give a shout-out to Ben Foster, who is awesome as the creepy Renfield type and is in “The Messenger,” which peeps gotta see!

Terri: Bird calls, Jenni. Bird calls.

Jenni: Yeah, that was terrible. The Bird calls. it’s like when your cat sees a bird in the window.

Terri: And as far as the love story goes, who likes watching happy couples. Seriously. Gotta cater to the audience.

Terri: It was weird seeing Josh Hartnett. Where’s he been lately?

Jenni: He’s made some movies that I haven’t seen. I did, unfortunately, subject myself to “The Black Dahlia” a few years back, which was abysmal. But let’s talk about David Slade. Do you think that because of the way he handles the action in this movie, he’s a good choice for the more action-oriented “Eclipse”?

Terri: I don’t know. It was all so corny! Visually it was okay I guess. But I don’t know. Are we really holding the “Twilight” series up to any high standard? I have hope for Chris Weitz’s take, but I have a feeling it’s going to be shot down. And if this is how David Slade does vampire movies, I don’t want to see it.

Jenni: I don’t even know where to begin with “Twilight.”

Terri: Let’s not, and go back to “30 Days of Night.” I’ll start: I don’t even know where to begin with “30 Days of Night.” I think my favorite shot was when Eben had to be a man and chop off someone’s head and Stella didn’t want to see or hear so instead of walking into a different area she sat with HER BACK AGAINST THE WALL OF THE ROOM HE WAS AXE-WIELDING IN and covered her ears. I think that’s my summary of how this movie made absolutely no sense. And it wasn’t scary. I don’t know, I wasn’t very impressed.

Jenni: The plot, like in the comic, is bare-bones. I mean, just tossing in some very light drama about their split is the best they could do? The idea is good — vampires, Alaska, a month of night. But planes take off in the dark! We’re literally watching them wait out a snow storm.

Terri: I know, right? And the passage of time was so weird too. It felt like two days had passed and then they’re like, “Day 18.” I don’t know where I missed days three through 16…

Jenni: I was asleep, perhaps.

Terri: And I thought the twist at the end was stupid. No spoilers, but is that how the graphics ended?

Jenni: Aaaactually, that is the real ending, and I liked it (spoiler: because I’m a sap!). It also sets it up for the sequel, at least in the comic.

Terri: Ah, okay. I felt in the context of the movie it didn’t really work. And I didn’t care enough about the characters to, well… care. It seems like it would work well in comic book format but didn’t translate well to the screen.

Jenni: No, the characters are just flat. At least in the comic book, the couple’s care for each other made ME care.

Jenni: Ugh. Of course, the terrible acting didn’t help.

Terri: Maybe that’s why we haven’t seen Joshy-boy, eh?

Jenni: UGH. This movie should’ve been zesty and played on the fact that Barrow, Alaska is dark for 30 days, and that’s how we felt watching it. In the dark. For far too long.