Is The Verizon Droid The Droid You’re Looking For… Or One Of These ‘Star Wars’ Droids Instead?

The Verizon Droid is not the droid you’re looking for. Sure, it’s probably a very cool phone — the folks at Wired are talking about how it legitimately gives the iPhone a run for its money, despite a handful of minor grievances — but I must insist that you hold out for other droids.

I know what you’re asking — “What droids are we looking for, Wigler?” — and the answer, of course, takes us back a long time ago to a galaxy far, far away. Why settle for a simple handheld device when you can wait it out just a little bit longer for some bona fide “Star Wars” era technology?

I firmly believe* that we’re not far off from making official contact with the folks on Coruscant and Alderaan — okay, maybe not Alderaan — which will thereby give us access to the droids we’re looking for. If you’re not as patient as I am, then let me stack the Verizon Droid against some of the “Star Wars” droids to illustrate why you should hold out a few more years.

The Verizon Droid can connect to the Internet, which gives you access to a whole host of useful information from around the globe. But with your very own 3PO model, you could not only access all of that same information, you’d also have better storage space thanks to the droid’s AA-1 VerboBrain. In some cases, you’d even be able to take advantage of the droid’s TranLang III Communicator module, which allows for fluency in six million different forms of communication. If that feature doesn’t speak your language, I don’t know what will.

Even if the Verizon Droid doesn’t have the same storage space as a 3PO model, it certainly has more room than most affordable cellular devices on the market. What it most assuredly does not have, however, is a hidden lightsaber compartment with ejector like the R2-series astromech droid. That feature really comes in handy, particularly when you’re staring down into the sandy maw of a Sarlacc Pit.

For the sake of argument, let’s suppose that the Verizon Droid does have space for a hidden lightsaber compartment. It still wouldn’t beat out robot assassin IG-88, one of the galaxy’s single-greatest cybernetic bounty hunters. Most of us aren’t looking to contract out a mercenary — let alone a robotic one — but if ever the situation arises where somebody really grinds your gears, wouldn’t you at least want the option of a self-aware, rail-thin android killer at your disposal? It’s a fair question worth mulling over.

Scaling back from murder in the first degree, let’s focus on a lesser criminal offense: stalking. Sure, you can access Twitter and Facebook by way of your Verizon Droid, but can you send it off on remote covert missions to ascertain top secret details about the folks in your rival neighborhood? No, I didn’t think so — but the Viper probe droid could get that job done lickety-split. It might not be the most inconspicuous stalker in the galaxy, but its octopus-like physical appearance would be jarring enough that your cheating spouse wouldn’t know what to do with the thing even if s/he saw it. And a built-in self-destruct mechanism ensures that you’d be safe anyway.

But all of these droids — especially the Verizon Droid — epically fail when stacked against Lobot, Cloud City’s own chief administrator. Technically speaking, Lobot isn’t a droid, though you wouldn’t know it based on that honking Borg Construct Aj^6 strapped to the back of his noggin, a device that plugs him directly into Cloud City’s central computer network. I don’t think Lobot can speak six million languages, he probably isn’t great at throwing lightsabers and he’s not likely to kill anybody, though he probably would stalk your neighbors. So why is he the best of the bunch? Because, dear readers, he’s a warm body and all he wants is a hug. Isn’t that what we all want?

That said, the Verizon Droid is probably pretty sweet and if you’re in desperate need of a good new phone, this might be your ticket.

* = Just kidding, I don’t really believe any of this. But Movies Blog editor and notorious “Star Wars” geek Adam Rosenberg does. He has Wampa fur on his wall. (Editor’s note: It’s true, and it’s authentic.)

Are you waiting for a “Star Wars” droid to become available before purchasing a Verizon Droid? Let us know your phone leanings in the comments or on Twitter!