I’m the first to admit that remakes are rarely, if ever, a good idea. We can hardly claim, as a culture, that we prize originality over all else. We’re gluttons for the good stuff. Like movies based on 1980s cartoons? We’ll make more! Y’all like vampires in love? Have all the lovey dovey vampires you can handle! Imitation is a-okay, but giving us the exact same thing? That’s how you piss an audience off.
A remake is just a reflection of something the audience already loves, not a straight reproduction. That’s a hurdle many of 2010’s biggest movies are facing. The first six months of next year are chock full of marquee remakes, releases that are bound to stoke fan ire when they fail to meet expectations. I, however, have a solution for the makers of these films: Kanye West. Just look at his VMA outburst! Give the man a bit part in these five films, and he’ll reassure the audience that they’re not alone in their preferred choice.
Hit the jump to see where Kanye would fit best.
Here’s the deal, Tim Burton. Kanye’s new hair and penchant for auto-tune pretty much make him look and sound like a Wonderland resident already. That means you don’t even need to find him a new character to play! Just have him come in right after Alice (Mia Wasikowska) first meets the Mad Hatter. He can tell Johnny Depp that he’s a great Mad Hatter and everything, but the cartoon Mad Hatter was the best Mad Hatter of all time. Disney fans are happy, you’re happy, everyone’s happy.
It’s been 18 years since the last serious “Robin Hood” movie, and it’s looking like Ridley Scott’s on track to make a truly bitchin’ version of the classic tale of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. I’m sure Kanye has nothing but respect for Robin, but he should probably have a scene to keep it real for “Prince of Thieves” fans. Russell Crowe, being Australian, sort of sounds English, but the audience has to know that Kevin Costner’s British accent is the better choice. Nay, the best choice. Of all time.
Louis Leterrier is already on thin ice, considering his last movie was a remake. He gave no props to Ang Lee’s artful use of Grizzly Adams-style Nick Nolte in his version of “The Incredible Hulk”. Now he’s doing “Clash of the Titans” with Liam Neeson playing Zeus instead of Sir Laurence Olivier?! That is shocking. This is why he should have Kanye play Hephaestus, the trickster god of technology, and have him point out Liam Neeson’s inferiority. Olivier? Best. Zeus. Ever.
This remake of the horror classic “A Nightmare on Elm Street” may be director Sam Bayer’s first feature length picture, but the man’s got a rep. He directed the video for “Smells Like Teen Spirit” for crying out loud! Still, you don’t let someone besides Robert Englund play Freddy. You just don’t. It’s cool though. Just have Kanye pop up in Nancy Thompson’s first nightmare and have him interrupt Jackie Earle Haley’s scares. Then have Freddy transform into a giant worm and consume Kanye as he screams, “all apologies to you Mr. Haley, but Robert Englund was the best Freddy of–.” Nothing after the worm’s mouth closes. Sorry Kanye.
Joe Johnston: everyone knows Benicio Del Toro will be a better werewolf than Lon Chaney Jr. I mean, just look at him. The guy looks like a wolfman all the time. Throw in some mutton chops and it’s a perfect fit. But seriously… you’re going to try and compete with Bela Lugosi as the werewolf who bites the star in the first place? Bela Lugosi was one of the best werewolves of all time! Way better than Michael J. Fox. Or Jason Bateman. All I’m saying is you should probably have Kanye be the gypsy’s assistant when she’s telling Benicio what’s what, Joe Johnston. He’ll take care of it. Then Benicio can transform and eat him.