Maybe 'The Final Destination' Hasn't Yet Reached Its Final Destination After All...

A good buddy of mine asked me if I had plans for this evening. I did not.

“Dude, you have to come see ‘The Final Destination’ with me,” he said.

“Nah. I saw the second one in the theater. People died. I think I got the gist of it.”

He fired back: “You’re telling me you don’t want to see a giant stock car crush someone in 3D?”

The man made an excellent point. I do want to see that. But that’s got to be as far as they can go, right?

After four movies, a series of novels and a comic book, you’ve got to think that this quiet little horror franchise has run its course. After all, creating new and elaborate Rube Goldberg machines of grisly death is hard work. What else could they possibly do to shock audiences who’ve been watching far-fetched tragedies befall teenagers for close to a decade now?

Here are a few thoughts on possible directions:

"Final Destination: Vampires AND Zombies"

Sure it’s a shameless cash-in on the pop zeitgeist ruling the latter months of the Aughts, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a good idea. The novel hook here is that that special "Final Destination" brand of accidental death will still be at play in a world overrun by supernatural beings hungry for human flesh. Oh no, the attractive teen is being chased by a zombie who used to be a sexy vampire! Oh no, she ran into a wood chipper! No one saw that coming!

"Final Destination: Spring Break"

I’m as surprised as you are that this one hasn’t come up yet. Why did they go with a theme park in the third movie and not Spring Break? It’s ready-made for the franchise, what with all the dangerous shenanigans that go hand in hand with the tradition of collegiate bacchanal. All the deaths could be sex and binge drinking related! New Line, if you’re reading this, I expect a percentage for pointing out the obvious.

"Final Destination vs I Know What You Did Last Summer vs Scream"

If the '80s franchises get their face-off movies, I don’t see why the big franchises of the past decade or so can’t get theirs too. It’ll be great. A group of teens almost die in a car accident. They accidentally kill their horror movie-obsessed friend who was riding his moped to the bitchin’ kegger in the woods. They dispose of the body. One year later, Death is still trying to kill the kids, but the new Scream-mask wearing, moped-riding, still-living nerd keeps trying to kill them too. Throw in some random Jennifer Love Hewitt and David/Courteney Arquette cameos and voila: instant nostalgia box office!

"Final Destination: Initial Destination"

Out of ideas? It’s prequel time! There are two approaches you can take with this. The first is the Death origin story. You could have all kinds of special effects of God telling Death what to do and plenty of bizarre historical set pieces with Death setting his wild traps into motion. Probably wouldn’t be very sexy though. The other is to go all “Back to the Future 2”, and revisit all the deaths from the original four movies, but see them from Death’s sinister perspective! This might get boring though. How many different scenes of Death going, “Curse those surviving teens!” could you really handle?

"Final Destination: Old Folks Home"

I got two words for you: wheelchair chase. Here are two more words for you: morning calisthenics. Picture it! Friends of the fallen from all the other movies have survived into their golden years and are now living comfortably in full-care home for the rich and elderly. Think of all the insane accidental deaths involving adjustable beds.

Wow. I’m going to hell for even thinking that…

Movie & TV Awards 2018