Oscars Blog! The Whole Night, Complete With Witty Commentary!

It’s time for the main event! Oscars, baby! Will Ellen Page ruin Julie Christie’s night? Will Hal Holbrook reminisce about the very fist Oscars? And most, importantly, sound mixing…who in the name of God will win sound mixing?!? Let’s find out together, shall we?!?

The live blog begins….now! (Keep clicking back for updates!)

8:26PM — Someone let Regis Philbin on stage!!! It’s just not the same when he’s not yelling at Gelman and Art Moore.

8:31PM — Nothing says glamour like something that looks like a UPS truck pulling up at the Kodak theater driven by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

8:36PM — First Yom Kippur joke of the evening. See, Billy Crystal, we don’t need you. And then throw in a Nicholson in shades shot for good measure. Finally, I’m home.

8:40PM — “Withdrawing the Iraq movies would only embolden the audience,” doesn’t really go over like gangbusters. A short political section ends a pretty short monologue. Clearly it’s been a rough week and a half for Stewart and his writers but come on…nothing memorable there. I mean…nothing.

8:42PM — Jennifer Garner, our first presenter! Remember the year she almost tripped on the way to podium…yeah, that was a lot more interesting than her presenting Best Costume Design just now. And the first award of the night goes to….”Elizabeth: The Golden Age”?!? That would be swell if that film were, I don’t know, watchable. I know the award is for costumes but please, twenty minutes into “Elizabeth” and I wasn’t looking at the couture as much as my watch. Rim shot! And…commercial break.

8:47PM — George Clooney introduces a montage of great Oscar moments. It includes at least two moments with Chevy Chase, Rob Lowe singing with Snow White, and the theme from “Titanic.” Somewhere James Cameron is jumping up on a couch still screaming “I’m king of the world!”

8:51PM — Here’s what I love about Steve Carell, the next presenter alongside Anne Hathaway. He sweats more profusely on live television than Albert Brooks did in “Broadcast News.” Like he sweats so much I’m pretty sure it’s a diagnosed problem. And isn’t that sweet?

8:55PM — Katherine Heigl presenting Best Makeup. And it goes to…”La vie en Rose.” Cut to Marion Cotillard in the audience who I have decided after watching all through the Oscars season is either slightly crazy or very French. She’s so bubbly and kooky, all wide eyes and strange hand movements. She’s like this year’s Eva Green.

9:00PM — Amy Adams is super charming and all but WHAT…AM…I…WATCHING?

9:06PM — 36 minutes in. Only 21 categories to go!!! Perhaps The Rock can pick up the pace a bit.

9:08PM — Um, “The Golden Compass” just won an Oscar (?!?)…and by the way there might be nothing more awkward than seeing super pumped middle-aged visual effects experts super-psyched.

9:11PM — Cate Blanchett is the like the female Clooney. So damn classy! “Sweeney Todd” wins for Art Direction. By the way, I’m already losing the office Oscar pool. Gotta love how that woman pronounced Tim Burton. Tim Baaaaaaaaarton.

9:20PM — Alright, a nice big award, Best Supporting Actor. Everybody not named Javier, sit the hell down. Anyone want to translate that last bit he said? I would respect him so much if, when translated, it meant “sorry old man Holbrook, it’s my time! Go cry to Dixie Carter!”

9:23PM — A salute to binoculars and periscopes. Followed by a salute to bad dreams. Totally absurd. And kind of genius.

9:26PM — A song from “August Rush.” I’m just appreciative something is breaking up the “Enchanted” set. If anyone sees Patrick Dempsey warming up his pipes, please let me know.

9:29PM — Owen Wilson presenting Best Live Action Short Film. Good to see him not attached to a “People” magazine headline. I never thought I’d be so disappointed that something called “The Tonto Woman” didn’t win. I need to stop making brazen Oscar predictions.

9:32PM — I don’t care if it’s Jerry Seinfeld…can we NEVER EVER have an animated character present an award on a show again. It always feels wrong.

9:39PM — Best Supporting Actress. Ruby Dee seems sweet and all but if she wins, well it’s just wrong. Negligible screen time. A decent moment with Denzel. But a performance that will stand the test of time? Nope. Yeah, Tilda Swinton! Love her. She’s mad in an awesome way. Go rent “The Deep End” and revel in some Swinton loving this week. She’s one of the best. Plus she made a “Batman & Robin” joke!

9:44PM — Either Jessica Alba is on a different plane of the space/time continum than me (a distinct possibility) or the sound and image is out of sync.

9:47PM — Both Jon Stewart and Josh Brolin talk to Nicholson in the crowd and Jack talks back as if anyone can hear. You are powerful, Jack, but not that powerful.

9:52PM — A short film on how the ballots are tabulated complete with interviews with Alfred Molina and Michael Bay? My glazed over eyes now have a second healthy coat of glaze.

9:53PM — Miley Cyrus introduces the next song number. Or was that Hannah Montana? I’m pretty sure it wasn’t one of the Jonas brothers.

10:05PM — Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill argue over who is more like Halle Berry. Their pitter patter may be my favorite moment of the night thus far.

10:14PM — Time for Best Actress. I’m torn on this one. Julie Christie was great but “Away from Her” is literally the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen. Blanchett was great in a horrible film. Page was awesome in a flick that while fun, was overrated. Linney was her usual great self but it doesn’t feel like this is the role for her. And then there’s that crazy French lady. Another impressive performance in a pretty flawed film. Uh oh, it’s Cotillard! Don’t let me down, kooky girl! I knew it…”thank you life! Thank you love!” What is that?!? I told you!

10:21PM — For my money, the best scene of the year in film in 2007, was from a flick that cost $100,000 and starred nobody you’ve ever heard of. And here are the stars of “Once” singing the song from that very scene. Beautiful moment. And I’m sorry “Enchanted” but in a whole other league. Has a guitar THAT beat up ever been used to perform a song on the Oscars?

10:31PM — Nicole Kidman looking lovely of course. Let’s just hope she doesn’t have to express any human emotions in the course of this tribute. Too far? Come on… Oh great, now I feel horrible because it’s a tribute to a thousand year old man.

10:45PM — Penelope Cruz gets right down to business with the Foreign Language award. And the award goes to…”The Counterfeiters”! Okay, that didn’t really deserve an exclamation point but I think I’m hitting the wall.

10:49PM — Final song from “Enchanted”…feeling sleeeeeepy. Oh wait…John Travolta just danced out of the number! So inspired yet horrible. My favorite kind of idea.

10:50PM — “Once” wins! Yeah, the night isn’t a total loss. Can’t wait for the direct-to-DVD sequel, “Twice”. I’m sorry, it’s been a long night.

11:01PM — Cameron Diaz can’t pronounce cinematography. Perhaps next year they’ll be nice and give her Picture. Or better yet, they could be cruel and give her a new category like Most Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Performance.

11:05PM — Hilary Swank introduces the tribute to those who died in the past year. Poignant of course, especially with the shattering images of Heath Ledger at the end. But where is Brad Renfro? Very odd.

11:10PM — Amy Adams is back. Was there another “Enchated” song nominated that I missed? Help! Oh wait, she’s just presenting. Best Original Score goes to…”Atonement.”

11:12PM — Tom Hanks presenting an award with a collection of servicemen and women. A nice touch. This I can accept. If one of them was a giant animated bee, not so much.

11:24PM — May I one day be introduced to a piece of music like the Indy theme. How awesome that must feel for Harrison Ford. I’d take that over “Hail to the Chief” any day. Harrison is reading the intro so deliberately he’s either A)drunk B)without his contacts C)re-creating his role from “Regarding Henry”.

11:26PM — Finally some love for “Juno”! It’s Diablo Cody, the first tattoo-ed former stripper to win an Oscar since Jessica Tandy. “Driving Miss Daisy” indeed. I don’t know what meant.

11:36PM — Best Actor. This is such an awesome category this year. Four stellar performances that I would advocate for any other year. But come on…we all know who kicked ass and took names this year. Scream it with me! “I drink your milkshake!” It’s Daniel Day-Lewis! “This sprang like a golden sapling out of the mad beautiful head of Paul Thomas Anderson.” Now that’s a line few could pull off.

11:37PM — Just two more awards?!? Does anyone else feel like Jerry Lewis on hour 23 of the telethon? My bow tie is undone. I’m confusing Mary Hart with Ed McMahon and all I want is Tony Orlando to play me off…except in this case Orlando is Bill Conti.

11:42PM — It’s Oscar winner Martin Scorsese. Doesn’t that just sound right? And to think we couldn’t have said it a year ago. The directing prize goes to the Coen brothers! These two are so absurdly awkward in front of the camera it’s kind of endearing. It’s like their nervous tics are even in synch with each other. Like are they scratching their faces in unison? How do you work that out?

11:45PM — Are we at the end already? Here’s Denzel Washington looking like he’s going to kick my ass if I deliver one more snarky remark. Alright Denzel, I’ll try to be good. It’s the Coens again! Producer Scott Rudin says this “is a complete surprise.” Really?!? Does Scott Rudin not read Variety? No complaints from me. “No Country for Old Men” was neck and neck with “There Will be Blood” for me. Both instant classics.

11:47PM — Jon Stewart signs off and so do I! Hope you guys had a blast! Oh wait, there’s a horrible sax solo playing us off the broadcast that gives way to the “Mission: Impossible” theme. Random. So random. Alright gang, time for bed. See you next year.