Casting Call: ‘Justice League’ By Shawn Adler

Ever hear of Dan Harrington? Guy’s one of the best poker players in the world, a former winner of the World Series of Poker main event. So Dan writes a book on poker for beginners, a curious book in some respects. Without getting into poker minutia, some players wonder if it’s a put-on, if Harrington’s advice is meant to set-up players for failure. Counsel them right into dumping all their money in your stack, so to speak.

Reader, that’s how I felt when I read Larry Carroll’s “Justice League” casting wish-list — like he WANTED a “Justice League of America” movie to fail, and was giving purposively bad advice to that effect. Why else would he have chosen who he did?

Here, then, is who REALLY should don the tights:

Superman: Tom Welling is a great Superman, Larry, except for the fact that he’s never actually, you know, played Superman. (Clark Kent nerdage!) Also, no offense to the great Mr. Welling, but I’m tired of Supes looking like he just got back from a college frat party. How about, you know, a MAN plays the Man of Steel? How about the fantastic JAMES CAVIEZEL? All human, all god. Both at the same time. Yeah, he did that before pretty well.

Batman: Hey Warner Bros., I know you have a pathological need to destroy your “Batman” franchises, but give the one you have going now some space. It’s good, no great — and so is Christian Bale. Which is why I’m especially adamant that he should NOT be cast in “JLA,” Larry, not least of all because he plays the Dark Knight as a young man, struggling to discover who he is. Give us an older Batman here, a Batman driven to the abyss by anger, full of hatred for all the super humans who surround him. I want to be constantly thinking that at any given moment Batman is going to flip the heck out and tear someone’s head off. I want to see GERARD BUTLER

Aquaman: Ryan Phillippe, Larry? Do you even read comic books? Here’s the deal, if I start laughing the second Aquaman comes up on screen, then the film has lost me already. Again, I’m going to insist in my choice that producers skew older, tougher. I’m going to insist on THOMAS JANE. This is a man who could talk to fish and still kick my butt.

Green Lantern: Jamie Foxx? Are we assuming that the Green Lantern in “JLA” will be John Stewart? Groan. But, ok, I’ll play along. Stewart is more headstrong and cocky than charming, Larry, and although Foxx is certainly talented enough to pull off nearly any personality, I’m not sure he can do superhero — he doesn’t have the build, for one. After watching him in “Smoking Aces,” I think COMMON is the man to wear Green.

Wonder Woman: It almost seemed as if casting Wonder Woman was something of a moot point, given that Jessica Biel seemed to be more or less confirmed as the Amazonian princess. Of course, Biel passed on the project so now it’s back on the table. But while Biel’s great, truth be told, she doesn’t get my heart pumping nearly as much as MICHELLE MONAGHAN, who I would love to see in a big-time franchise.

Flash: So you think Ryan Reynolds would make a great Flash, eh Larry? Actually, yeah, I do too. Good call. RYAN REYNOLDS for the win.