FX

'AHS Hotel': Lady Gaga's Countess Has A Secret Fetus Vampire Baby

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Why it is that we're ever surprised when "American Horror Story: Hotel" takes all our goriest expectations and makes absolute child's play out of them before presenting their vision of the impossibly heinous, that's the real mystery here.

Because we shouldn't have been shocked at all to find out that the occupant of Room 33 is nothing less than a vampire fetus thing with full black eyes, no nose and super-human healing abilities that the Countess (Lady Gaga) tried to have, um, exterminated back in the '20s.

FX

The Murder House Baby

The Countess wearing kitten heels in 1926 Los Angeles is a sight, alright. As is the vampire fetus she delivers in it -- even though she went in for another sort of procedure altogether -- attacking his nurse from the scraps tray it's to be disposed with. YUCK.

"Congratulations, it's a boy," the doc informs her, despite the mess.

(Also, heyyy Murder House. It's nice to see you again.)

Looks like Countess indeed loves her bundle of joy and sets him up in the ~mysterious~ Room 33, but she has to take a trip off to Paris to score some cash for them to have their happily ever after together. Seems like a pretty bad idea -- but she does seem to have a way of getting her way.

FX

John Lowe's discovery

In other news, what is it with people always trying to convince poor John Lowe (Wes Bentley) that all the crazy going on in his life is a figment of his imagination. Like when all those serial killers tried to convince him he was hallucinating their whole raucous affair or, as is the case now, when his own wife Alex (Chloë Sevigny) insists that no, he did *not* see little Holden and herself snoozing away in a basement pool coffin.

And with the help of Liz Taylor (Denis O'Hare), she's able to destroy the evidence of her former sleeping quarters and insist it's all a visual of the story their daughter had cooked up before.

Just like last time, though, he doesn't seem so convinced. This isn't over yet.

FX

Liz and Tristan are in loveeeee

We so enjoyed the Liz Taylor (Denis O'Hare) goddess rise that was last week's episode, and the story's even juicier this week as she makes love -- as in, they're in love -- with the Countess' newest plaything Tristan Duffy (Finn Wittrock). But she knows it's totally wrong because the Countess is possessive of her people, and she owes a LOT to the woman who made her.

Operation Kill the Kiddos

Donovan (Matt Bomer) and Ramona Royale (Angela Bassett) come to the hotel on a mission to destroy Holden and all the things that keep the Countess going with her non-life (including the fetus, Bartholomew), but the pool's been emptied of sleeping child vamps, and this baby thing is more resilient than Auntie Ramona gives him credit for.

He somehow escapes his room -- which now seems like more of a containment cell than quaint nursery quarters -- so it's someone's you-know-what if little Barty's not returned safely to it, and Liz doesn't need another reason to piss her off. Ramona warns Liz to be ready to run if it's real love because the Countess isn't the forgiving sort: “She will rip that heart right out of your chest."

Oh, and BTW Iris? She's a slippery thing in her new life and is all in with Ramona's intention. Killing those kale-lovers in Room 36 might've changed your afterlife, sister, but you are NOT ready to take on that fight.

"Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain."

Guess what? The Ten Commandments Killer is still on the loose -- this time, it's a televangelist who's been gutted in his church. But apparently, a suspect has been apprehended, which shocks the sh-t outta John Lowe for some reason. This plot line almost has no purpose anymore because (1) John's not a cop anymore and (2) the connection to the Cortez is getting fuzzier and fuzzier with each installment anyway.

How to escape the monotony of eternity

The Swedish girls from the first episode are still lingering, aimless and confused in the halls of Hotel Cortez, but Donovan puts a hold on his Countess panty-sniffing session long enough to explain that they can break up the monotony of their day (though they can never leave, as that song says) by finding their ~purpose~.

For example, there was once a girl named Cara on the fifth floor who ended it in the bathtub and rotted away for weeks until she discovered a fancy for torturing guests.

Enter Mr. Woo, a hotshot who just wants some pot and a model encounter. Killing him doesn't do the trick, though, so Alex offers a new mind-breaking approach to take on her own husband.

Needless to say, the threesome scene gets bloody real quick-like, and John Lowe finds no sanity in approaching the front desk for moral support. Zip zip and his bags are packed. Which is good because little Scarlett has, like, no parents without him. BUT, it looks like little Barty has hitched a ride, and when John Lowe inadvisably tries to shoot him, Scarlett flips the f--k out and the police have to intervene.

That's when mommy dearest finally returns home and discovers that her plan for John to enjoy the feeling of complete mental breakdown is almost complete. She sends poor Scar back to her grandmother's and rescues the freaky fetus-monster from the lawn.

Bye bye Tristan

Liz decides to fess up to her tryst with Tristan and beg for her to set him free to be her one and only. And while the Countess at first offers a maybe someday option, Liz presses for the now and gets her wish ... for about two seconds. After that, Tristan gets a glove-knife to the neck and is all Liz's to clean up.

Moral of the story? The Countess does not share.

FX

BUT there's one major exception to that rule.

The only true bit of empathy Countess has ever shown is a mother-to-mother thing with Alex, wherein she shares her precious Holden with his birth mom so long as she follows the rules. And in turn, she is astounded to find that that, erm, generosity has been returned by Alex rescuing Bartholomew.

And as cold as Alex is to her other kid, their connection is about to get VERY interesting.