In this day and age, getting “Famous” is as easy as having sex and letting the infrared cameras roll, so it was no surprise that Zach Stone’s latest scheme to become a star aptly involved testing out the notorious viral video tactic. When his longtime crush, Christy, finally asked him out on a date (and then some) on tonight’s episode, he realized the prospect of losing his virginity was within reach and quickly hatched a plan to cash in on his first time. Because who wouldn’t want to see an amateur short starring a lanky, awkward virgin?
Below are three quick ’n’ dirty tips to follow, à la Sir Stone, when plotting out your debut sex tape. Follow them — no questions asked — and you’ll have the Parents Television Council decrying your name in no time!
1) Practice penetration on your mother’s stuffed ski suit while saying things like “missionary accomplished.” No NBA great mastered the perfect jump shot without hours upon hours of practice, and Zach knew that for his tape to go off without a hitch, he had to have the female anatomy down pat (or, at least, its softballs-stuffed-in-a-bra equivalent). But, in order to have some frame of reference, Zach made sure to study the ins and outs of sex on his brother’s iPad, because he certainly wasn’t going to run the risk of inviting any porn viruses into his own laptop.
2) Cultivate a compelling back story that includes tons of drugs and misguided city youth. Since Christy was trying to ride Zach’s coattails to Hollywood, she knew she needed to spice up the tale behind their one-night-stand with some juicy details. So, she pretended there was a risk her drug-dealing boyfriend would find out, and warned Zach that if they were caught, he’d be dead. Reasoning that losing his virginity was more valuable than his life, Zach accepted the challenge, and the two proceeded inside Christy’s zebra-print room.
3) Freak out when having sex with the hottest girl in school actually becomes achievable. Greg, Amy and Zach’s parents all warned the aspiring celebrity against forcing his first time if it didn’t feel natural, and when he was in the home stretch of ditching his V-card, he realized he wasn’t quite ready to let it go from his back pocket. Unfortunately, this also meant Christy would abandon the whole project. Here’s hoping Zach’s next quest can do without a leading lady!
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