Notable Quotes From 'Beavis And Butt-Head,' Episodes 3 and 4

It's a commonly held belief that military men should speak only when spoken to, but when Beavis and Butt-Head visited a local army base on a school field trip on tonight's episode, they could hardly be silenced. They mumbled through operating government Drones, garbled commands to a cult following and even had time to lament "Teen Mom." As usual, though, we were a Clue Jr. magnifying glass short of complete comprehension.

It wasn't always clear what the two nitwits were trying to say, but they kept speaking nonetheless, and here are some of our favorite quotes from "Drones" and "The Return of Cornholio."

“OK, class, the purpose of today’s field trip, which I’m conducting under protest, is to acquaint you with potential careers in the U.S. Army. Now, according to their well-orchestrated propaganda campaign, this is the place where you can 'be all that you can be.'"

-- Mr. Van Driessen to his students.

"Where’s the bathroom around here?"

"Eh, I don’t know. I think they call it something else in the army. Like, the ‘mess hall’ or something."

-- Beavis and Butt-Head on the military base.

"Uhh, drain central?"

-- Butt-Head, reading a sign that says 'Drone Control.'

"A bed shouldn’t have instructions. Except for, like, 'Sleep.'"

-- Beavis, on Ikea.

"I think all juiceheads are automatically gorillas, but you can be a gorilla and not a juicehead."

"So are all guidos gorillas and juiceheads?"

"Ehh, I think to be a guido, you have to at least be a gorilla or a juicehead. But you don’t have to be both of ‘em."

"So, um. OK, so, everybody who’s a guido is, um, either a juicehead or a gorilla, and then all the juiceheads are gorillas, but you can be a gorilla, and not be a guido or a juicehead, but you could be two. Is that right?"

"Uhhhh, yeah. I think you figured it out, Beavis."

--Beavis And Butt-Head on "Jersey Shore."

"Is that a lesbian or a Mexican?"

"You’re not supposed to say those words, Butt-Head."

--Beavis and Butt-Head analyzing a music video.

"Well, I’ll be honest with you. I think your Mormon beliefs are a little screwy. But I still have respect for your college football team."

-- Mr. Anderson to missionaries.

"Yeah, she has a hard exterior, but deep inside, she has a soft, nasty, slutty center."

--Butt-Head, on Deena from "Jersey Shore."

"You might die."

--Butt-Head, after Beavis put a screw through his own hand.

"Here’s the thing; I won’t be able to remove it by simple extraction without further damaging the soft tissues."

"That’s what happens when Beavis screws his hand."

--Butt-Head responds to the doctor's bad news.

"Did you know Indians use every part of the firework? Nothing goes to waste."


"Get out of here, Stewart. We’re like, prophets."

--Butt-Head to his nerdy neighbor.

"Why does he refer to himself as both Cornholio and the almighty Bungholio?"

"It is the duality of nature that only the beloved can fully understand."

--Two cult members discuss Beavis, whom they believe to be their savior.

"So, like, wanna share our essence?"

--Butt-Head to a cult member.

"Come on! Get down those stairs! They didn't give you fake legs."

--Beavis weighs in on Farrah's breast augmentation.

"Cornholio! We need you to return for the great conception!"

"I'm, like, busy."

--Beavis responds to a cult member who pleads for his return.

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