Two really amazing things happened today (well, three if you count this). First, my coworker came into the office with an extra soy milk latte in-hand (pour moi!), and second, Snooki’s autobiographical-ish “Confessions of a Guidette” landed on my desk, in all its neon pink glory. I quickly indulged in its pages.
The book is chock-full of tips on how to become a guidette, emulate the “Jersey Shore” lifestyle and avoid the wretched grundle chode, should you ever run into one. Below are six of our favorite (and possibly life-changing) bits of info that we learned from thumbing through the literature.
1. House Music Is Not “Techno”
This intel falls under the “7 Things A Guidette Would Never Do” column. She says, “If a guidette calls house techno, you’re a wannabe, get real, you know nothing.”
2. The Cat’s Toilet Goes On Your Face
Nope, this isn’t a euphemism. It’s what Snooks does when her dermatologist is on vacation. “If I can’t get to a spa, I’ll put kitty litter on my face.” Evidently, if you mix clean litter with water, it does wonders for your pores. We can neither confirm nor deny.
3. Jelly Beans Are The Opposite Of Pickles
How anyone could develop such distaste for the small bean-shaped confection, we don’t know, but she lists them as one of the “7 Things She Hates.” Also: Spiders.
4. Vibrators Make Good Travel Companions
She won’t leave town without hers.
5. No Wheels, No Snooks
A random sidebar informs us of a few travel limitations. “Don’t go to places where there are no cars.” We’re not sure what city creeped her out, but if it’s New York, our guess is that she took the ferry to Governors Island. CREE-PEE.
6. True BFFs Hate Each Other At First
When she met Ryder, the girl gave her dirty looks because she thought Snooks had hooked up with her boyfriend. After a few drinks they made out and became insta-besties. Works every time.
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