Esteemed Scholars To Tackle 'Guidosexuality' And Snooki's Pickles

It seemed like a pipe dream that "Jersey Shore" would one day be rightfully sandwiched between calculus and comparative politics in an academic institution, but the University of Chicago has officially hopped on the GTL train, and that thing is running express to Seaside Heights.

This coming Friday, the school will host "The UChicago Conference on Jersey Shore Studies," which includes keynote speakers from University of Michigan, University of Ontario and the John D. Calandra Italian American Institute. The brainiacs will address everything from "A Sociolinguistic Investigation of Jersey Shore" to "SHOTS! An Analysis of Italian, American, and Italian-American Beverage Consumption in Jersey Shore." Oh, and something called "guidosexuality."

Here's more of what's on the agenda (plus some commentary from yours truly...because we simply couldn't resist).

  • "Pickles Is My Thing": Snooki and the Ascendency of Ordinary Celebrity, as directed by Michael Dulin of Bellarmine University: Uhh, ordinary, Mr. Dulin? We assure you, Nicole's celebrity is anything but ordinary. Have you seen Beyonce or Lady Gaga dance with such conviction that they careen into a patch of bushes? And the idea that pickle consumption is a watermark for normality is absurd. Sounds like a case of Guidette envy.

  • Feminism on the Ground, Postfeminism in the Air: Articulations of Gender and Class by Reality Television Viewers, as directed by Andrea Press of University of Virginia: Wait, is that about when, like, Deena danced until her underwears came off? That was a mistake, we swear. She loves suffrage and stuff. It's her best thing.

  • Foucault’s Going to the Jersey Shore, Bitch!, as directed by Ellie Marshall of McGill University. OMG is he?! Haven't seen the guy since Labor Day '08. Puked all over the tilt-a-whirl but kindly volunteered to clean it up after. Hopefully this one will include post-lecture cocktails, as stumbling over Foucault's theories as they pertain to Pauly D and Snooki definitely warrants one or two tumblers-full of Ron-Ron juice.

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VMAs 2018