Judging by sneak peeks of "The Hills," it looks like we're in for some more deep-breathing sessions with due to Spencer Pratt, more attempts to soothe him by his somewhat disconnected wife and (could it be?) more hair on Ryan Cabrera's head. As far as "The City" goes, we best be prepared for more conflict avoidance from Olivia Palermo and enough anger from Kelly Cutrone to scare Liv right into a request for government protection.
10:00 p.m. So let me get this straight. The gang's all invited to a 7-year-old's birthday party, and they're going? Does Brody realize that all the girls there will be flat-chested?
10:02 p.m. Gotta love how Brody is getting cuddly on a washcloth with Kristin now that he's heard Audrina and Ryan are official. Playa's always making moves.
10:04 p.m. Heidi's thinking "some animals over here, some wizards over there" ... and maybe take Spencer's spaceship out of the garage and put it on the deck?
10:05 p.m. The hard-boiled trio of Brody, Frankie and Sleazy T discuss fast cars and fast women. Brody's new "girlfriend" Betty is apparently both in one. (Hey, we've always known that Chargers are his type.)
[Commercial break aka time for ads about pregnancy tests and shoes.]
10:10 p.m. Um, is that an ELEPHANT at the party? Holy crap, Heidi took my advice and hired circus animals!
10:13 p.m. Audrina's ready to have The Talk with Ryan. Let's hope Ryan likes to use more syllables than Justin Bobby.
10:14 p.m. This kid's party looks like something out of "Alice in Wonderland." (Watching it, I even feel like I'm tripping on acid.) Nice job, Heids!
10:15 p.m. Uh, oh, it seems as if Spencer's about to hurl himself down the rabbit hole.
10:16 p.m. When's the last time you heard a dude say the word "vagina" in public ... when he's referring to his wife's mom? Couldn't he at least have abbreviated it? Vag sounds so much hipper.
10:17 p.m. Holly says she needs a drink, but unfortunately, vodka doesn't come in juice boxes.
[Commercial break. Just how big is RJ Berger's wanker exactly?]
10:22 p.m. Did Ryan just say he loves Audrina?! Well, no, but he does want them to be exclusive. It's like practically the same thing in L.A.
10:24 p.m. Brody tells K-Cav over drinks that the b-day party was awkward because he doesn't know Enzo that well. Yes, Brody, that's exactly why the party was awkward. Because you didn't know the 7-year-old honoree's favorite color.
10:25 p.m. I'm still not sure what Brody and K-Cav have against Cabrera. What, they really want Audrina and Justin to be with each other? Right, didn't think so.
10:26 p.m. Holler to Holly for remaining calm while addressing a slightly psycho-looking Spencer. Heidi even seems pretty chill, encouraging Spence to practice some Lamaze techniques. SO WHY IS HE SO OOC???
10:28 p.m. What's creepier: Spencer calling Heidi's mom a vagina or addressing Holly as "dear"?
10:29 p.m. Ending this insane episode with a little Eminem? Nice touch, MTV.
Next week on "The Hills": Word is out that Spencer makes Heidi sleep in a dungeon without wireless internet and Stephanie considers un-brothering Spencer.
10:31 p.m. So Roxy thinks it's awkward that Zach is texting her, which may be code for, "He better take me to dinner someplace expensive."
10:32 p.m. Whitney's all shocked that Olivia pulled through for her. Perhaps a little foreshadowing of the cat-fighting to come? Rawr!
10:34 p.m. Mr. Armani? I thought Liv was on a first-name basis with these hoity-toity designers?
10:35 p.m. This new photog dude is giving Whit the sexy eyes. Let's see how long it takes him to ask her out to a trendy NYC wine bar with dark lighting and exposed brick.
10:35 p.m. Gotta hand it to Erin for using diplomacy whilst speaking about Liv. Then again, there's that smirk ...
10:37 p.m. "You're so brave"? Whit coulda maybe come up with a better line than that for a -- wait for it -- war photographer.
10:40 p.m. Olivia's got some balls. Not showing up to her interview with Whitney? Girl just made an enemy for life, and her name is Kelly Cutrone.
[Commercial break. Did I tell you I'm on a juice diet? I imagine this is the wretched hunger and light-headedness models feel all the time. Poor, wonely stomach.]
10:45 p.m Here we go again, back to the inevitable inter-office fighting between Erin and Olivia -- if you call Olivia saying "Have a nice day" before running out of her cube a real fight.
10:47 p.m. I always wear sheer blouses to business meetings. Rox, you ain't fooling anyone.
10: 48 p.m. The last I heard, showing pictures of your pet while doing baby talk isn't the best way to win over a hipster. Reel it in, Roxy! Abort mission.
10:50 p.m. Joe Zee is totally going batshiz crazy on Liv. Who knew he had it in him? Can we see more of this person, pretty please?
[Commercial break. Just dreaming of cheeseburgers, thanks.]
10:56 p.m. Soooo, Liv might not be the next Katie Couric with jewelry observations such as, "It sparkles." No more Ms. Nice Girl for Erin; she's leaving that ELLE.com interview on the cutting-room floor.
10:58 p.m. Did Kelly Cutrone just threaten Olivia Palermo's life? Or just her ability to walk?
10:59 p.m. "Nice people end up on welfare." When and where can I use that? And do I have to cite the source?
11:00 a.m. Well, she barely choked the words out, but finally Whit stood up for herself and called Liv a "bitch" ... to her face! Shockingly, Liv stormed out on grounds of “immaturity.” Pot, meet Kettle.
Next on "The City": Olivia really impresses Joe Zee, and Fergie!? Well that's a strange turn of events. And as expected, Whitney's war photog admirer gets fresh with her on set. Tune in Tuesday the 18th to find out if there's any chemistry between them! (Don't get too excited; Whit's first dates are usually a bust.)