During last week's premieres of "The Hills" and "The City," it was a challenge to find the right words for the live blog. But now that the seal is broken and we're fully invested in learning the truth about K-Cav's supposed drug habit, hearing reactions to Heidi's plastic surgery and seeing more of Kelly Cutrone's happy tears, I'm hoping tonight things'll flow more easily. Really hoping. As they say in tween action films and Facebook status updates, let's do this ...
10:01 p.m. Kristin opens the episode with a knock on is-she-or-isn’t-she friend Audrina’s door. Speaking of which, where’s the guy who got these girls clawing at each other in the first place? Justin Bobby, isn’t it about time you broke into one of their kitchens and microwaved some penne?
10:02 p.m. Kristin just invited Drina to her upcoming house party, where according to this week's previews, Heidi will debut her new self to the crew and Spencer will show the first signs of clinical madness.
Side note: Kristin looks well-rested -- not "cracked out" at all to me -- but, hey, I don’t have Lo here to explain the warning signs. Cut to …
10:03 p.m. Lo and Stephanie are now chatting about K-Cav’s alleged cocaine habit. We’re so not in Laguna anymore, Toto.
10:05 p.m. Steph says she hasn’t seen Spencer in months. But here’s the real question: Has she heard about his crystal addiction? (No sillies, not meth … actual crystals!)
10:07 p.m. Out to lunch, Heidi tells Spencer that she’s excited to show off her new bod at K-Cav’s party. (Too bad we already saw you bust it out in Vegas, baby.) Spencer says he’s hesitant to see his sister, who he hasn’t talked to since her DUI (it was “the last straw”). Whoops, we almost forgot about Stephanie’s drinking snafus with all this chatter about K-Cav’s coke prob. Poor Steph’s always getting one-upped :(
10:08 p.m. While Kristin’s pouring her heart out to Stacie about the rumors she’s a drug addict, Stacie insists on pouring Kristin a drink because -- wait for it -- she “needs it.” Wonder if Stacie’s aware of her knack for satire. Stacie also encourages Kristin to kick Stephanie’s ass, which sounds like a perfectly rational way to end talk that she’s spinning out of control.
10:11 p.m. And we’re back from commercial break with a little gossiping between the other girls on the show: Frankie and Brody. Apparently, Brody wants to "assess the situation" at Kristin’s party before he decides whether he wants to "hit it" with Audrina. Funny, she's talking like such a dude.
10:14 p.m. Uh oh, sounds like there’s some bad blood between Brody and Drina's new tall-haired boyfriend, Ryan Cabrera -- and we know it’s serious by the way Brody totally LEAVES HIM HANGING at Kristin’s party. Way to embarrass a bro on his first “Hills” appearance, Brody.
10:16 p.m. 1,000 times better than Heidi’s “surgery hug” for Kristin is Spencer’s housewarming gift: a gigantic (F cup?) crystal.
10:17 p.m. Heidi just told Audrina she’s considering another chest upgrade: “Hs for Heidi.” Is that the modern equivalent of a Carrie necklace?
10:18 p.m. Good to see that Spencer and Brody are still on speaking terms. It’s probably because Spencer is now “vibrationally tuned in.” But riddle me this: Why would someone who holds "The Key to Atlantis" deny a relation to his own sister?
[Deep breath] Quickly, can I just comment that I feel like I’m a fly on the wall of Bizzarroland? [Deep breath]
10:20 p.m. Double whammy for Steph tonight -- hit once by the host of the party, and two minutes later a super below-the-belt attack from Spencer, who seems to be jonesing for more crystal crystals.
10:21 p.m. Stephanie just stormed out of the party, crying. Spencer’s still shouting about her irrelevance from inside, proving Drina’s point that he might just be “off his rocker.”
Side note again (hmm, or is a live blog just one big side note?): That shot of the humungo crystal juxtaposed with the Bellini is glorious. Adam DiVello = 21st-century Ansel Adams.
Commercial Break #2: This new "Sex and the City in the Desert" movie looks pretty atrocious.
10:25 p.m. Charlie’s got some good insight for Spencer, as in “ya lost it.” Not what we’d call professional help, but hey, at least there’s a voice of reason beneath that 'stache.
10:28 p.m. Kristin’s all business when Stephanie comes to meet her for dinner a major pounding. She makes it pretty clear that they’re not gonna be friends, or even frenemies. Nada.
10:29 p.m. Somewhat cruel but comical mimicking by Kristin of Steph’s reaction ensues, then exit stage left stage right wherever the other girl isn't standing.
Next on "The Hills": Spencer refers to Heidi and Holly's mom as a "vagina." Looks like the live-blogging won't be getting any easier ...
10:32 p.m. Woot woot! WWD gave Whitney a rave review for her runway collection, and now Mama Cutrone is beaming with pride. (It's not tears, but we'll take it.)
10:33 p.m. Whitney and Roxy sound like church bells as they high-five their two dozen bracelets together.
10:35 p.m. Erin just swallowed her pride and complimented Olivia on the Anna Sui video interview. So far so good with last week’s proposed peace treaty. Well, until someone runs out of smile glue.
10:37 p.m. Roxy is introduced to a guy who photographs naked girls on the subway. Naturally, there's an attraction. Wonder if he likes crotch tats?
10:39 p.m. Why oh why is Olivia so angered by Roxy’s invitation to Whitney's showroom? Is it because she needs a calligraphied invitation sent with a prestamped envelope?
10:44 p.m. We're back from the commercial break, still wildly confused by Olivia's social ineptitude but relieved to see she's actually made it to the Whitney Eve Editors' Meeting. Liv is icy toward her old coworker, as usual. She mentions that she’s focusing on interviewing young designers for ELLE.com but turns dead silent when Kelly suggests she feature Whitney. This makes no sense.
10:48 p.m. Zach's giving Rox the sexy eyes, and after a productive day together he now wants to know what’s going on with her “situation.” We'll tell you what the situation is, Zach. Situationally speaking, your situation would be lucky to get into her situation station. Now, meet our friend Mike.
10:50 p.m. Apparently, Whitney's line is too "inconsistent" for ELLE.com. Liv just can't seem to understand why Erin thinks the collection would be a good fit for the brand. Sometimes reality TV gets way existential, ya know?
10:54 p.m. Elle has a new fashion director: Alexis. Could she be the next coworker Olivia goes up against? Can she be, please? (Alexis totes looks like she can kick some "social" booty.)
10:57 p.m. Everyone at ELLE except Olivia is excited about Whitney’s look book. Because why wouldn't they be?
10:59 p.m. Ah, OK. Whit's just now finding out that she was chosen for the Young Emerging Designer feature -- and she thinks Olivia actually helped it along. Well, this primes next week's episode for double drama. Maybe Whit will finally learn the art of the bitch-slap? According to Roxy, she does now owe Olivia a favor ...
Next on "The City": Olivia blows off her interview with Whitney, then gets called out for being a "complete bitch." (Can you smell that slap a-comin'?) And Roxy goes on a date with a seemingly solid guy!