False Alarm! Leo DiCaprio Is Not King Of Whitney Port's World

We've had a hopeless crush on Leonardo DiCaprio ever since he first walked into our lives (i.e. guest-starred on Growing Pains) as hunky/homeless Luke Brower, the plaid-wearing pre-teen with the heart of gold. And even after our little orphan washed the dirt off his chubby cheeks (because in Sitcomland, boys without parents look like Oliver Twist in ripped jeans), we loved him still. Yes, even as he became a titanic movie star, who only dates models/drives Priuses/text messages Al Gore.

So natch, we were majorly jealous when we read that Leo was desperately, hopelessly in love with City star Whitney Port, who's already tall and beautiful and successful and gracious in all the ways that we're (so clearly) not.

Yep, according to (our tear-stained copy of) Star magazine, Leo was so entranced by Whit's beauty that he pursued her relentlessly, wooing her back to L.A. with romantic dinners until the reluctant reality goddess finally agreed to a "hush-hush affair." Fortch, before we did anything rash (like tear up our "From the desk of Mrs. Leonardo DiCaprio" stationery), we learned that it was all about as real as the Balloon Boy's mission to space.

Both Usmagazine.com and Perez Hilton quickly debunked Star's story, with Us going so far as to reassure everyone that Whitney and Leo "don't know each other" and, thus, are in no imminent danger of running off/eloping anytime soon.

Now that we know the rumor's 100% false, we can almost see the humor in it. (Whitney and Jack Dawson? As if!) If you'll excuse us, we're off to watch Titanic, Romeo + Juliet and The Beach in no particular order, and then make out with our hand.