Hi, I'm Justin Bobby (I'm lying, it's Control Freak), and I'd like to share my idiot-proof instructions for how to quickly and effectively get your girl back (after repeatedly being a total doofus). Follow the below guide (Part II of "Parking Lot Breakups and Makeups") and I can guarantee you'll have her at -- or just a little bit after -- 'hello.' I'll even throw in an extra Hall Pass if you promise to practice the facial gestures!
Phase One: Show up unannounced to your girl's workplace and text to see if she'll meet you in the parking lot. As she walks towards you, gaze at her with soft intensity, as if to say, "You're a sight for sore eyes." But don't actually say that.
JB: How's it going with you?
Aud: It's good.
Aud: What have you been up to?
Phase Two: Acknowledge you've had some stuff on your mind, imply you have regrets.
JB: I've been thinkin'...
Aud: About what?
JB: About some of the things that happened in Cabo.
JB: I didn't want to be that guy, you know what I mean? But...
Aud: I don't know. I feel like I've just been kinda trying to convince... make myself like someone, but someone else is still on my mind.
Phase Three: You're halfway home. Keep a steady "lost without you" shtick going and at the first break in her confidence (lowered eyes, crackly voice), deliver the clincher: "I want you to be with me." Simple, to the point, what she's been wanting to hear forever. If you're stumped for content at any moment, repeat something she told you the last time you screwed up.
JB: I think we have something special. I just think to be in a relationship you kinda have to be like, together.
Aud: Yeah, it's just frustrating at times because sometimes you don't put forth the effort you should.
JB: I know that. I'm very well aware of that. We're a big Catch 22. Ninety percent of my time with you is pretty right on. It's really good. When I think about you I don't think of anything negative whatsoever. I want you to be with me.
Phase Four: Say something to reaffirm she made the right decision. (Don't go overboard, though. As you gather up your things to go, she should start to get that ole sinking feeling that things still won't be any different...)
JB: I'll pretty much always be there for you.
Aud: [Smiles at the sky.]
Like putty in your hands...