Hills Guide To Etiquette: How To Hook Up, Party Down And Generally Get On People's Good Sides

Tonight's Hills episode was chock full of useful information! So I've taken the liberty of deconstructing the episode and breaking it down into valuable life lessons on love, relationships and party etiquette. First up, a 3-step guide to romancing the ladies.

Step 1: Tell the girl you're sort-of dating that you'll totally have her back if your ex (a.k.a. her friend) gives either of you any trouble.

Step 2: At the first hint of trouble, immediately throw her under the bus by describing her as a "lost puppy" and reiterating that you were sooooo not interested.

Step 3: If backpedaling fails, there's always Plan B: Switch gears by getting inappropriately self-righteous. Then, bring it all home by angrily dismissing your last girlfriend as an "ex-fling."

Next up, 3 useful tips on how to throw the perfect party.

Tip 1: Find new and inventive ways to introduce yourself to pretty girls (like by cannon-balling into the water and ruining their makeup, sundresses and hand-held electronic devices).

Tip 2: Inject some new life into the party by using it as an opportunity to air your dirty laundry. Nothing says "good times" like telling off that girl you hate in front of everyone she knows.

Tip 3: Bring friends who have absolutely nothing in common -- besides you. Got a work colleague who hates getting her hair wet? Sounds like your shady ex-boyfriend's pool party is just the ticket!

And finally, a step-by-step guide to impressing your future mother-in-law.

Step 1: Show her you're happy to see her by making awkward faces on the sofa and then suffering through a painful, just-for-show hug.

Step 2: Treat her with respect. Ask her thoughtful questions (like "What planet are you living on?") and insist on addressing her as "My dear."

Step 3: Honesty is the best policy. If she thanks you for letting her (other) daughter crash on your couch, now's the ideal time to admit you were never "too fond of the idea."

+ Anything I left out? Let me know what you learned about behavioral etiquette from watching tonight's Hills.