27 'Too Many Cooks' Questions We're Still Stewing Over, One Year Later

WAS IT PURGATORY THE WHOLE TIME???

Where were you when "Too Many Cooks" brought the world to its knees? The near-apocalyptic ear-worming incident first occurred a year ago today, at 4 a.m. ET, on October 28, 2014. Days later, the catchiest intro theme song to end all catchy intro theme songs exploded onto the scene and swept everyone up in its lunacy.

"Too Many Cooks," featuring families and stews and space warriors and Smarf, clocks in at a confounding 11 minutes of repetitive ridiculousness. As we learned in "Rent," there are 525,600 minutes in any given year. In other words, we have officially watched "Too Many Cooks" roughly 47,782 times since its debut.

I'm assuming that you, like me, have done nothing else over the past year but watch "Cooks," over and over and over and over and

Adult Swim

ANYWAY.

Point is, even with repeated viewings under the belt, there's still so much I don't understand. For instance…

  1. Why does Ken DeLozier eat newspapers?
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    Is that part of the stew recipe?

  2. Why does the Cook family wear sunglasses indoors?
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    Did they all go to the eye doctor on the same day?

  3. What's the true nature of boy scientist Cameron Markeles' secret potion?
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    Is it to create the newspapers that go into the stew?

  4. Which Schoenthal brother is better?
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    And why the [expletive] would you answer Logan???

  5. Where can I get a Smarf?
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    Or do I already have a Smarf and I just don't know it yet?

  6. Are "Will Dove" and "Victoria Sun" witness protection aliases for Sam and Clarissa?
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    That explains everything.

  7. What did Steve from Corporate do that deserves a box on the head?
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    And does he know that there's a strange psychopath in the next cubicle over?

  8. Why does no one care that a strange psychopath lives in their house?
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    That's going to cost them.

  9. WAIT, IS THAT ENID???
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    Does "Too Many Cooks" take place in Alexandria? Everything makes so much more sense now!

  10. How do I get my hands on an infinitely sized table, like the one the Cooks have?
    Adult Swim

    I'm willing to put serious money down on this, so please get in touch.

  11. Will we ever get the Coat origin story?
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    Or is that like Libby on "Lost," and we'll never know the answer?

  12. What kind of pie is Lars Von Trier?
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    He looks like apple but I don't want to assume.

  13. How many times can you stare at the Falcon and his mansion before you go utterly insane?
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    I'm up to upwards of 47,782 times and I'M DOING JUST FINE STOP LOOKING AT ME

  14. Did the falcon prompt the killer's killing spree?
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    Because if so? I GET IT.

  15. How many times must I spin before I can become a superhero like Kayte Giralte?
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    UPWARDS OF 47,782 TIMES AND I SWEAR I'M GREAT

  16. Do you think Derick's going to be okay???
    Adult Swim

    I've watched "Too Many Cooks" a whole bunch (~ 42,782 times) and I keep looking for his eyes to change color or for a body to fall on top of him and mask him with guts or SOMETHING but I'm sorry, I think he's toast.

  17. What song is the killer listening to?
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    Stupid question, it's "It Must Have Been Love." Moving on.

  18. Are "the killer" and "the killer" witness protection aliases for Sam and Clarissa?
    Adult Swim

    THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING

  19. How many cooks will the killer eat before he's had his fill?
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    I can't do the math on this one, but it's a big number.

  20. How long has Smarf been undercover?
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    "Too long," he wearily replies. "Too damn long."

  21. How many bases are belong to the killer?
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  22. Is there any cure for intronitis?
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    No.

  23. Are we all doomed?
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    Yes.

  24. How did someone get the upper hand on Smarf?
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    Because someone is a [expletive] coward.

  25. Did Smarf push the button?
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    One of the most open-ended questions of our time or any time.

  26. Does Smarf go to Heaven or Hell?
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    OR WAS IT PURGATORY THE WHOLE TIME

  27. So, what happens next time?
    Adult Swim

    Better watch again for another year with the hopes of finding out!