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'Scream Queens' Just Revealed That [SPOILER] Is The Baby-Raising Hag

And now we're the ones screaming.

Things are always pretty spooky around the Kappa Kappa Tau squad -- what with Chanel's unapologetic, face-flaying ruthlessness and the red devil(s) running around slashing up students and all. And when Zayday (Keke Palmer) decided to put together a haunted house party for the first of a three-part Halloween "Scream Queens" special, things got especially scary. And WEIRD.

(You can't ever accuse these gals of being good idea people.)

But the murders were relatively self-contained this episode -- you know, apart from the spreading of multiple dead bodies throughout Zayday's ill-advised display -- which gave everyone room to (A) explore the shudder-inducing #Chester sparks, (B) sleuth up more deets about bathtub baby, and (C) watch the Chanels roll up their silk sleeves and beat a guy down. Yes, really.

  • First, they had to get some intel on the "Peas and Carrots" of the matter from an old sister.

    After tracking down one of the hidden OG Kappas who helped bury the evidence of the dead girl from way back when -- a merciful end compared to what Ms. Bean had in mind for the remains, BTW -- Grace (Skyler Samuels) and Pete (Diego Boneta) learn that the Kappas were made to scatter off and apart and weren't sure what became of the newborn bundle. But she was sure that, oh yes, it was a girl. (Which gives us Reason No. 387 to think the baby was our pal G, but that's still just a theory.)

    Note: Pete's Matthew McConaughey impression is legit. More of that, please.

  • Meanwhile, Professor Gardner doesn't actually teach, like, anything. So, his classroom was open season for the *talk* about the Kappa baby.

    The kids who've signed up for Wes' class should get a full refund because all this man does is sit around, watch horror movies and indict himself as a big bad by saying strange things like, "We can't escape our inner child, who we'd rather forget but at the end of the day has all the power." But his lazy daze DID give Grace the chance to ask him about her parentage, and he swore he actually witnessed her birth, painful as it may have been to both her mother's and his burning eyes. But can we actually trust THIS guy? Eh.

  • But it turns out, Gigi's '90s obsession has a tiny (read: HUGE) twist.

    So, back in '95, after the "incident," there was apparently some chatty, happy girl running around stealing diapers, and she got coined the "Hag of Shady Lane." Gumshoe Grace eventually connects the dots with Gigi's never-ending obsession with acid wash jeans and faux suede and BAM. We've got our hag. And it's *her* who must've saved the baby from uncertain Munch-ness. What now?

  • In other news, we now know Chanel's got a closet full of knives. So there's that.
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    When Zayday announced her intention to personally oust Chanel (Emma Roberts) from her second vagina closet ~throne~, at the random insistence of the increasingly sneaky Earl Grey (Lucien Laviscount), she seemed pretty sure she'd get all the votes because, well, Chanel is awful to everyone in the entire house.

    But she might've underestimated her competition here because the very next frame showed a clearly whacked-out woman with a closet full of knives, a face full of bitter determination and two sub-Chanels on her front flanks.

  • Oh, and gravehumping is a thing that exists in your life now.

    The bar on batsh-t just got raised by a mile because Hester (Lea Michele)? That girl is cray. We already knew Chad (Glen Powell) had a freak streak, thanks to his many bedfellows, but who would've expected that Neckbrace Chanel No. 6 would be a legit corpse rubber, too? Or maybe she's just nuts enough to pretend she likes to cozy up around tombstones too, which might just be even weirder? Either way, she and Chad end up learning their lesson after discovering that Zayday's haunted house has Ms. Bean's actual dead body all sprawled out, and let's just say... the mood was ruined. But she might still give him another shot next time because she wants what Chanel has, and that includes Chad, ya heard?

  • Plus, Denise was a KKT reject once upon a time. Motives, motives, everywhere.
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    Turns out, Denise (Niecy Nash) isn't the only not-actually-a-detective in town. Thanks to Zayday's 411-finding skills, we now know that Denise was a Kappa reject herself back in Gigi's time. Which, according to Z, means she's obviously jeal as hell over Z getting in when she didn't -- especially now that she has presidential aspirations. Sigh. Zayday's kidnapping suspect list is pretty large right now, TBH.

  • Pssst. The Chanels know how to fight.

    The smarmiest frat boy on campus chose exactly the wrong moment to f--k with the Chanels -- just after they'd abandoned their cotton ball bowls in favor of a new "screw boys" rule. Which meant the guy quickly found himself on the receiving end of four brutal maneuvers, including a tray-break across the face.

    So, just in case you were thinking these gals couldn't wield a fist -- or a weapon -- well enough to belong in the whodunnit pool, think again.