Lady Gaga’s Naked Crystal Marina Abramovic Zen: How To Achieve It In 7 Easy Steps! (PHOTOS)

We may not totally understand this Lady Gaga video, but that’s never stopped us before!

In case you haven’t noticed, Lady Gaga’s got a lot going on! From putting the finishing touches on her forthcoming ARTPOP album to dropping the “Applause” music video on Aug. 19, not to mention casually sampling human blood, and prepping for her upcoming 2013 MTV VMA performance — the Lady is biz-zay. That’s why we’re totally not surprised by that soothing video of Lady Gaga practicing the Abramovic Method (as in Marina Abramovic, the famous performance artist who recently collab’d on Jay Z’s “Picasso Baby” video).

So, obviously we don’t fully understand it. (We would have gotten a D in our performance art workshop course if that class had used letter grades instead of evaluative dances of shame.) But, the pop star looks so enviably relaxed, and we think we’ve figured out exactly how to reach that kind of inner peace. Wanna try this soothing ritual at home? Here’s how to get Lady Gaga’s super special, naked crystal zen place in seven easy steps.

1.) DRESS WHITES BRING YOU CLOSER TO ENLIGHTENMENT: Labor Day’s not till next month, so it’s totally cool to put on all white loungewear. Remember to Swiffer first, and then relax and close your eyes. Avoid gazpacho.

2.) PRACTICE SENSORY DEPRIVATION TO DISCOVER SPIRIT ANIMAL: Lady Gaga has become one with her inner snail, but be ready for any beastly apparition. Cease becoming animal once you feel you are Deleuze-ing it.

3.) RESOLVE MOMMY ISSUES WITH APPROPRIATE STAND-IN: Find a mother (monster) figure. World-renowned performance artists are ideal. Repeat “I AM MY HAIR!” back-to-back until you overcome all of your mommy-related bitterness. Once completed, this maternal avatar will break out some Capri Sun and Dunk-a-roos if and only if your meditation practice has been deemed worthy enough. Feast.

4.) CONFRONT ALL FEARS SIMULTANEOUSLY: Scary monsters? Loss of sight? Public nudity? The everyday risk of stepping in dog doo? Tackle every nightmare in one fell swoop.

Learn how to achieve Gaga-lightenment and watch the “Abramovic Method Practiced By Lady Gaga” video after the jump.

5.) LEAN FORWARD TO FOCUS BREATHING: Hold (for A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E). While down there, hone in on one train of thought and work through it until the end — unless that thought is “CAN I STAND UP YET??” Ignore that thought.

6.) REJECT ALL MATERIAL OBJECTS: Except for one ginormous crystal.

7.) NO, BUT SERIOUSLY: Amass as many effing crystals as possible. It’ll all make perfect sense once you’re lying, eyebrow-less in a pile of them.

Follow these simple instructions, and you will be at Lady Gaga’s supreme level of naked crystal zen-lightenment in no time. She’s so calm, just look at her! If you stare closely enough, you may even be able to see her aura! YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO HEAR IT (at least not yet!), but you can definitely see it. #Namaste

+ Watch the “Abramovic Method Practiced By Lady Gaga” video (NSFW).

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