What? Don’t act like you’ve never woken up topless in a green veil.
When I woke up the morning after my wedding, I was like “THAT’S COOL! I’M MARRIED!” Then I was like “WAIT, NOW OTHER GUYS AREN’T GONNA FLIRT WITH WITH ME ANYMORE? THAT SUCKS!” Just kidding. I didn’t do that! My wedding was awesome. But as months and tens of thousands of dollars of planning and feeding the wedding industry beast went up in a cloud of pixie dust and Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards, one of the things I also didn’t do was take a topless photo of myself in my wedding veil. But you know who did? Rihanna! And that is just another of the millions upon millions of examples and reasons why I am not Rihanna. (That, and I don’t party with dudes who dress like members of the Taliban for Halloween. But everyone is different, you guys! Maybe Chris Brown just REALLY loves “Homeland” and is also joining in the worldwide hunt for Abu Nazir!) But Rihanna thinks of everything! Dressing like a weed bride! And spending most of the summer on a Jet Ski! And posting weed horoscopes to Instagram!
But look at this photo! It’s perfect! It’s gorgeous! It’s hater repellent! It’s an UNAPOLOGETIC snapshot of her life F***ING RULING! She looks like Brigitte Bardot… if Brigitte had dressed like the bride of Mary Jane. And anachronistically had Instagram. It’s so “Like A Virgin”-Madonna, back when Madonna was carefree and bawdy and fun and not stern and sinewy and British!
And before you start calling the Parental Advisory Council on Topless Decency (I’ve heard they have the best snacks at their board meetings, doe), just chill, bro. She’s not showing any nip. Just a reasonable amount of the underboob we’ve seen and come to know and love. This isn’t smut. This is a woman who got an underboob tattoo in memory of her beloved grandmother, for God’s sake! And a woman who appreciates the finer things in life — like staying in cool hotels with those vintage-y nail headboards. So let’s all just relax, await the “Diamonds” video and the “777” tour, and enjoy the fact that Rihanna helped us kick off our November with another topless selfie. (Actually, is that a selfie? Who takes Rihanna’s photos? Just another question to spend the month of November pondering.)
Photo credit: Rihanna’s Instagram