An Open Letter To The People In Charge Of Releasing New Fiona Apple Music

Dear people with very high-paying jobs and suits more expensive than my rent,

Being a Fiona Apple fan is kind of like being a Chicago Cubs fan -- you wait and wait and wait and just when you think your break's about to come, the higher-ups make you keep waiting. (Those higher-ups being record company execs and the baseball gods, respectively.) It's hard maintaining this undying love for one of the best singer-songwriters to come out of the '90s when times are so trying, okay?

L.A. Reid, Epic Records chairman and CEO, tweeted earlier this week, "Lots of good music coming from @Epic_Records in the next few weeks. Stay tuned music fans. Welcome back Fiona!" Then every millennial and Gen-Y female (and some really cool dudes I know) immediately lost their collective s***. But when Time followed up with Epic, demanding (politely, I'm sure) a more specific time frame for the new Fiona tunes, an Epic spokesperson could only confirm that the album would be out some time in 2012. (Let me just remind you we are currently in the first month of the year... out of 12. Le sigh.)

+ Read more about Fiona Apple's return after the jump.

Fiona Apple is a beautiful and unique snowflake who needs time to perfect her always brazen, consistently bold and lyrically brilliant pop ballads, so we fans are totally willing to sit back and chill for a minute. But we cannot endure another "Free Fiona" situation! (The "Free Fiona" movement began in 2004 when Fiona fans thought Epic was trying to shelve her third album, Extraordinary Machine, because it "lacked commercial appeal." We found out later that it was actually Apple who wanted to rework the album. Sorry about the protests and picket lines, Epic, but we're a little zealous when it comes to our Queen.) Regardless of who was keeping what shelved, recording new music can be strenuous -- if the woman needs Red Bulls or massages or vanilla candles or anything at all, SEE TO IT THAT SHE IS ACCOMMODATED.

What I'm trying to say here is this: Don't f*** it up. In the meantime, we'll be waiting...


Fiona Apple fans everywhere