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Dear Adele's New Boyfriend, Simon Konecki,
You're in a very interesting place right now, Simon. You are (allegedly) dating Adele, who's not only like, the most famous singer in the world at the moment, but she is also the leading breakup song writer-ologist. In case you are unaware, check out her massive, chart-topping, so-popular-your-mom-has-two-copies album 21. See: basically every song on there.
While we're totally happy that Adele likes you enough to kiss you in public while being photographed in Florida, we also need you to NOT meddle in this woman's songwriting rituals. The "Someone Like You" singer has cemented her place as a modern pop icon because she manages to consistently articulate the most poignant moments of a crumbling relationship, and she does it with the most powerhouse voice we've heard in a minute. DON'T CHANGE THAT.
While we are DEFINITELY not telling you to break up with Adele, we're just saying you need to let the woman still get dark, OK? Maybe only do cutesy couple stuff like, a few times a week. A modest amount of flowers and diamonds will suffice. Don't immediately answer her text messages, etc. If you're too wonderful to her, we're never going to be able to sing along out loud (alone, at a very high decibel) to lyrics like "You made a fool out of me and boy, I'm bringing you down" again! And as faithful Adele stans, we can't be having that.
Treat her right, Simon, that's our girl. But at least make her watch "Up" a bunch of times before she hits the studio or something. We need her sadness!
Everyone On The Planet