Have you ever become addicted to someone, “Intervention”-style?
Like a minute couldn’t go by where you didn’t think about them or what they were doing or who they were doing it with? Like you Googled their name a million times to see if you could piece together a virtual scrapbook of their entire life? Like you had to hunt down all of their past loves so you could see if they were prettier/smarter/thinner/funnier than you and then, in turn, compare yourself to them endlessly? Like, your obsession to know anything and everything about them became so out of control that you were a couple camera crews away from Jeff VanVonderen standing on the other side of a hotel conference room door, telling you your loved ones felt like they were losing you and they wanted to get you back?
Yeah, me neither. I can imagine it’s a really intense feeling, though. One that definitely needs its own musical score. When stalking, er, researching the object of your affection, might I suggest the following tunes from Blondie, Kylie Minogue, No Doubt and Hall & Oates.
1.) Blondie’s “One Way Or Another”: Is it just me or does Debbie Harry make stalking sexy? I’m sorry but her unwavering confidence and brazen attitude makes me truly believe that whoever it is that she’s set her sights on, they will be hers. No doubt about it. Then again, what man wouldn’t want to be with Debbie Effing Harry? Now, if only I could listen to this without automatically picturing Piper Perabo lip-synching on the bar in Coyote Ugly. (Facepalm.)
2.) Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”: I don’t know what’s more intoxicating: Falling for a hot, new dude or listening to this song about falling for a hot, new dude. If I tallied up all the hours I’ve spent thinking about my crushes, I’m pretty sure I’d be shocked — and humiliated — by the results. The worst is when you’ve spent SO much time thinking about them, you can’t remember which situations actually happened and which ones you played out in the movie theater of your mind. Please tell me I’m not the only one whose had that problem. Anyone? Show of hands?
3.) No Doubt’s “Spiderwebs”: Gwen Stefani turns the tables on the typical infatuation song by obsessing over the guy who’s obsessing over her in “Spiderwebs.” Homeboy won’t leave her alone so she has to “screen her phone calls.” Did you hear that? It was the sound of the tiniest violin in the world playing. Seriously, though, I think this song kicks butt — especially when you’re looking for a killer karaoke tune — but don’t expect me to cry a river for Gwen and all the men falling at her feet. Stop bogarting the boys, lady!
4.) Hall & Oates’ “Private Eyes”: I’m not the biggest Hall & Oates fan on the planet, but I can’t help but love this fantastic stalker song. In fact, I would go as far as to say this might be one of the best infatuation anthems ever written. It’s got all the necessary elements: Lurker lyrics? Check. Toe-tapping melody? Check. Hand claps? Check. (On an unrelated note, I always thought this was the bookend to Rockwell’s spooky synth track “Somebody’s Watching Me.” Play both back-to-back and hear what I mean.)