Five Celebrity Dads I Pray Never Frequent A Happy Ending Massage Parlor

Today's news that Jeff Archuleta -- father of Buzzworthy idol David Archuleta -- was arrested for soliciting a sex act at a not-really-focused-on-relieving-your-back-pain massage parlor was nothing short of completely shocking and extremely sad. We're extremely protective of our little Arch Angel and wish him lots of love and... whatever else you wish a person when they (and the whole world) find out that their Mormon dad got busted for a happy ending. By the cops.

With that, here are five more celebrity dads who will absolutely give me another heart attack if I find out they went to an "unlicensed spa."

KEVIN JONAS, SR.

Paul Kevin Jonas, Sr., father of Kevin, Joe, Nick, and Frankie is a former pastor and manages his sons' career (they're in a band called "the Jonas Brothers") which is a full-time job. Also, I've met the man, and he's a saint. I JUST KNOW in my happy little heart that Kevin Jonas, Sr. is just not capable of such indiscretions. It's just impossible.



BILLY RAY CYRUS

Miley's "Thrill Billy" daddy does have the whole out-of-wedlock thing on his side (come on! it was the free-wheelin' '90s!), and then there was the Vanity Fair/ almost-naked pix thing, but he's still a true family man who's biggest crime, in my opinion, is the highlights.



PETE WENTZ

Pete Wentz already aired all of his dirty laundry (and more!) before he settled down with Ashlee Simpson, who cranked out super-cuters Bronx. And even though he's hung with the occasional stripper, he's got a totally hot piece at home. Plus, they're one of those couples who sorta looks like they do it all the time. VIVA LA SIMPSON-WENTZES!



CLAY AIKEN

Clay Aiken is far too busy... wait, what's Clay Aiken doing these days? Oh, going to the airport! Anyway, yay! He has a cute baby! Yay!



CHARLIE SWAN

BELLA'S DAD commit a crime? PUH-LEASE! What crime could the CHIEF OF POLICE OF FORKS possibly commit? I mean, sure, he's sometimes a little emotionally unavailable, and he can't cook to save his life, and true, he's still a bit hung up on his ex-wife, but you CANNOT say that  Charlie Swan doesn't love his daughter. Probably the only crime Charlie Swan is guilty of is BEING BORN A HUMAN.

+ Now, speaking of fathers and crimes, watch George Michael's "Father Figure" video.