Jessica 'Mom Jeans' Simpson Breaks America's Heart A Little...

I know some of you aren't old enough to remember old-school Jessica Simpson, but back in her Newlyweds days, the girl was SMOKIN' HAWT. And fashion-forward! And basically never would have been caught dead in a pair of dreaded Mom Jeans.

Back when the Jonas Brothers were still learnin' their ABCs back in Wyckoff, Jessica was the one who practically invented the purity ring... and chaste music videos like "Where You Are."

But times have changed, friends... for the way worse. And Jess took a wrong turn on the fashion highway somewhere between Calabasas and 99.9 Kiss Country’s 24th Annual Chili Cook-Off. (Don't even get me started on the chili cook-off situation.) As you can plainly see, the results bordered on catastrophic (and came far too close to Cameltoe Corner for my liking!)

Now, in Jessica's defense, we can think of no one on Planet Earfz who'd actually be able to rock those jeans successfully. HOWEVER, we know of many devices one might easily make use of when trying to decide if one looks acceptable in pants -- mirrors, pros/cons lists, AmIHotOrNot. And we can all agree that we're absolutely in the “NOT” category here?

This is just irresponsible. And tragic… and... fine... ok, bordering on gleefully enjoyable.

Jess, honey, you're gorgeous! Look at yourself! Just, next time, make like Mariah (and not Cindy McCain) and KNOW your Mom Jeans!