In a bizarre attempt to “Christmas things up,” Bush International Airport is installing karaoke booths for frazzled travelers to “enjoy” en route to their dysfunctional family reunions this holiday season.
At first we thought, file this under WORST IDEA EVER, after nuclear warfare and that Alli drug that makes you poo your pants 19 times a day.
But the more we thought about it, the more we realized that this was a gift of an opportunity for us all. An early Chrismakkuh pressie if you will. A chance to help out our fellow travelers … with a list of the five worst karaoke songs in the history of the universe that you really, truly, for SERIOUSLY should avoid at all costs..
5. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin: P.E.O.P.L.E. The title of this song also serves as all the friggin’ lyrics. Have you noticed that? And do you know how stupid you’ll look up there attempting to perform vocal percussion? Very. Very. Stupid.
4. “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor: Okay, we get it. You broke up with your BF (or BFF) and emerged from the ordeal shaken, not stirred. Overcame some great adversity? Aced your SATs? Bravo, really. But whatever your she-power achievement might be, you need to honor it with something WAY better and WAY more original than this one. How about: anything by Alanis Morissette instead? Or — better yet — NOTHING by Alanis Morissette!
3. “I Touch Myself” by The Divinyls: This one is kinda sad, really and almost exclusively within the domain of scantily clad house bunnies who’ve likely had one too many crantinis. A good rule of thumb is: if you are thinking of “singing” this song, don’t. Ever. K?
2. “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston: This song should be outlawed at this point. Hells, Whitney herself can barely get this one out anymore. No matter HOW talented you think you are, trust us; unless you are Dolly Parton, you are not equipped. Just take a deep breath, put down the crack pipe, and remind yourself: Hell to the no.
1. “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen: For one thing, this song is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too long. Like, you will miss your flight while you’re up there singing. Next, it requires an intricate range of vocal calisthenics which — guaranteed — you do not possess. Also, it was funny in Wayne’s World, but not funny in real life, because you’re not Mike Myers and it’s not 1992. And finally, people will either be asleep, passed out, or homicidal by the time you finish. Don’t do it to yourself. Don’t do it to us. No means no.
+ Bonus: “Crank That” by Soulja Boy Tell ’Em: On this front we will be brief: “Supaman dat ho” is not a directive we would ever like to encourage anyone to repeat in public. Yes, we know this song was nominated for a Grammy, NO that does not change our opinion.