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All Of Arnold Schwarzenegger's 'Commando' Kills, Ranked

Don't disturb my rankings. They're dead tired.

There's an excellent moment in the Arnold Schwarzenegger action movie "Commando" where flight attendant Cindy sums up every single ridiculous plot point in an equally ridiculous rant.

"You steal my car," she says, "you rip the seat out, you kidnap me, you ask me to help you find your daughter which I very kindly do, and then you get me involved in a shoot out where people are dying and there's blood spurting all over the place, and then I watch you rip a phone booth out of a wall, swing from the ceiling like Tarzan, and then there's a cop that's going to shoot you and I save you and they start chasing me. Are you going to tell me what's going on or what?"

His response? "No." Of course.

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Welcome to "Commando," one of the most underrated films in the entire Schwarzenegger catalogue. He plays John Matrix, a retired commando who springs back into action when terrorists kidnap his daughter and threaten to kill her unless he cooperates with their demands. Spoiler alert: He does not cooperate with their demands, and they don't kill his daughter, because he kills all of them first, and Sully last. (Okay, maybe there's a lie in there somewhere.) Even though it's not named "Terminator," there's a real argument that "Commando" is the most lethal Schwarzenegger movie of them all — and it's all thanks to the final 30 minutes.

Today, "Commando" turns 30, and in honor of the milestone, let's look at all of Schwarzenegger's crazy kills in the movie, starting with the non-human and inanimate objects, and progressing into one of the most absurd ballets of blood ever put forth on screen. It should go without saying that the following images are not for the faint of heart.

  1. The Tree
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    They don't call him the Austrian Oak for nothing.

  2. The Sandwich
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    He crushed that tuna salad.

  3. The Car Seat
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    I'm still not sure why he needed to do this, but I'm glad he did.

  4. The Mall Decor
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    See earlier comment about swinging like Tarzan.

  5. The Phone Booth
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    Just one of the many bad things inflicted upon Sully.

  6. The Gun Store
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    Who needs a front door when you have a bulldozer?

  7. The Knockout Punch
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    Okay, now we're starting to get into the people. This is an unconfirmed kill, but one can assume the punch to the face killed this man instantly, given all the other feats of strength we've witnessed.

  8. The Fly-By Shooting
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    They missed the plane.

  9. The Jungle Man
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    He's bushed.

  10. The Snapping Sneak Attack
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    One of Matrix's favorite moves.

  11. The Stabbing Sneak Attack
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    See previous.

  12. The Slashing Sneak Attack
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    See previous, and the one before that.

  13. The Shooting Sneak Attack
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    See previous, previous and previous.

  14. The Other Shooting Sneak Attack
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    Same story, different dude.

  15. The Jumping Sneak Attack
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    The final sneak attack.

  16. The Twin Throwing Knives
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    Two at a time.

  17. The Projectile Knife
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    Spring-loaded Schwarzenegger FTW.

  18. The Tower Drop
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    It's a long fall.

  19. Adios, Arius
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    Bye-a, Dan Hedaya.

  20. The Rocket Launcher
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    He's on fire!

  21. The Coordinated Land Mine Assault
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    They're ALL on fire.

  22. The Courtyard Assault
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    Brutal.

  23. The Courtyard Assault Part Deux
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    Still brutal.

  24. The Courtyard Assault: Tokyo Drift
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    The brutality, it does not stop.

  25. Courtyard Assault 4Ever
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    Starting to lose count of the bodies over here.

  26. Courtyard Assault 5: None Left Alive
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    ARNOLD WHAT ARE YOU DOING

  27. The Final Courtyard Assault
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    That was exhausting.

  28. Mac's Motel Murder
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    Anytime, Bill Duke. Anytime.

  29. The Steam Punk
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    Bye bye, Bennett.

  30. Right?
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    WRONG.

  31. The Garden Maneuver
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    Fresh out of ammo, Matrix turns an entire tool shed into an instrument of death. Unreal.

  32. Airplane Mode
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    He's dead tired.

  33. HEY SULLY
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    Remember when I told you I'd rank you last? I LIED.