It was a legen... wait for it... dary wait for Neil Patrick Harris' return to television, and for his crazy-sounding variety show "Best Time Ever" to finally make its debut. But the wait has paid off, and here we are, in the afterglow of what was easily one of the weirdest nights of television ever, if not quite the best.
We watched NPH's "Best Time Ever" debut live, and here's all the madness that you missed out on. Newest updates at the top:
10:58 PM: We have arrived at the End of the Show Show, which is basically just Neil and some incredibly gifted bartenders throwing drinks up in the air alongside Gloria Gaynor, a miniature version of himself, some pogo sticks, and a really impressive back flip off of a pogo stick from Neil, live on television.
Yeah. No big deal. Well played, NPH. Well played indeed.
10:52 PM: Hey, Michelle won seven prizes! And she basically won all the best stuff, so, yay. I'm sure Skyscraper runner-up Reese Witherspoon is very, very, very happy for her.
10:48 PM: Time for another game, called "Get Lucky," and yes, this score is fully booming:
Cars, kitchen supplies, ponchos for two people, tons of pizza and a trip to Sedona are on the line for a random audience member named Michelle who has to answer questions from the week in news in 60 seconds. She is rightfully very nervous.
10:42 PM: And then there was the time Neil sang "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" on "The Voice" while undercover as an Austrian man who can only be described as looking exactly like this:
It's very strange and sort of beautiful?
10:38 PM: Carson Daly is here and he also just got mad at Neil for not letting Reese win Skyscraper. Cosigned, Carson. Cosigned.
10:32 PM: It's over, no one died, Neil won, even though he had the opportunity to let Reese win, and she. Is. MAD. Reese reveals the truth: "Neil! You did not tell me that's what we're doing! He said we're doing a little stunt! He e-mailed me and said we're doing a stunt!" Thaaaaat's awkward!
10:29 PM: Oh, so this is really just "American Ninja Warrior," complete with narration from Matt Iseman. I would feel better about this if Kacy Catanzaro was here to supervise.
10:25 PM: Introducing a new segment called "Neil Versus," where he will compete in completely unknown challenges every week, doing unknown things against unknown people. He almost went up against Carrot Top (no, really) but instead, he'll square off with Reese in an obstacle course called Skyscraper, where they will — you guessed it — scale skyscrapers.
Yeah, I don't like the sound of that either, Reese.
10:20 PM: Neil is surprising people at home by making them compete in a karaoke contest for $1,000.00, all with the assistance of Gloria Gaynor singing "I Will Survive" live in the studio. These people have no idea what's happening, it's ridiculous and amazing, and I don't know if any of them will actually survive.
10:16 PM: Here comes Nicole Scherzinger to put Neil and Reese on the Karaoke Train to Singing Town. She'll be here every week.
10:11 PM: Oh! He got the couple a free trip to Antigua for their honeymoon, so that's sweet! But he'll probably just stalk them there, too, so things are still perfectly creepy.
10:10 PM: Neil also spied on this couple at a football game and at their wedding. We're pole-vaulting over cute and whimsical and straight on over to Serial Stalker NPH territory.
10:07 PM: Neil just informed a couple from Tuscaloosa, Alabama that he secretly spied on them as a doorman at New York City's Plaza Hotel. This officially makes Neil the second greatest Plaza Hotel employee ever. Who's the first? Come on now.
10:05 PM: David Burtka is just straight up chilling in the audience, supporting NPH like it's NBD.
10:02 PM: So Neil just walked through a door frame without a suit on, and emerged on the other side with a suit on. I don't know what that even means but it's already a magical night.
10:00 PM: Alright, Neil. Show us what'cha got.
9:56 PM: Reese Witherspoon is lined up as the show's first official guest, and if all she does is make her "Cruel Intentions" alien face over and over again...
...then this really will be the "Best Time Ever."
9:47 PM: We're waiting for the shenanigans to start. Sure do hope this premiere isn't...
...horrible? It's okay, I'll show myself out.