Dearest Channing,

It’s me, Erika. You may remember me as a young 13-year-old who saw “Step Up” in theaters more than once. Or maybe you don’t. Either way, it’s good to see your career flourishing. It’s well deserved.

That being said, we need to have a serious talk about your movie-prep. You’re set to star in “Gambit,” one of those “X-Men” spinoff movies, and that’s great. Naturally, there are certain things you have to do to prepare to star in an action movie: bulk up, build your stamina, do weird things to your hair, etc. I would know—I did plays in middle school. And I get it, Gambit has long hair and an oft-changing part. However, as an admirer (and potential friend someday, I assume), I have to tell you that what you’re doing right now is messed up.

WTF is this?? You’re a cool dad in 2015 not a weird one in 1992. I know growing your hair out is a strange and uncomfortable thing, but you have options! You're a very famous person! There is hope! When has a greasy side part ever been en vogue? That isn’t a rhetorical question, either, I’m genuinely seeking an answer.

You’ve dipped your toes in this look before back in 2010, but to see you resurrect it at such a crucial moment in your career, I must ask you—beg you—to please stop. It wasn't cute then and it definitely isn't cute now.

I'm sure you're feeling the pressure to grow your hair out the natural way, but you're in Hollywood, babe. You've got people for that. Wig technology has come far in recent years, and I can assure you the makeup crew for a multimillion dollar film will hook you up. Try to stay strong, boo.

With love,

Erika