21 Times Lemony Snicket Just Got You

In all your unfortunate glory.

By Lily Lieberman

Dear Reader,

If you were unfortunate enough to read the distressing account of the Baudelaire orphans in Lemony Snicket’s a Series of Unfortunate Events, you’ll be disturbed to learn the dark and engaging franchise is coming to Netflix. And, in honor of the real feels Mr. Snicket induced on our easily malleable middle-school minds (and his endless use of alliteration) let’s take a look at all the times his miserable words fed our soul.

  1. When he got the female struggle

    “I agree, and don’t we all? The world is pretty hard on girls. It’s one reason I put so many of them in books. The narrative is more interesting if there are more obstacles. A man walking alone down a road at night may or may not be a good story; turn him into a 12-year-old girl, and it’s already gripping.”

    -"The Righteous Anger of Girls"

  2. I mean, REALLY got it

    “The right boys I always toss and the wrong ones I keep on top of me like paperweights.” - "Adverbs" by Daniel Handler

  3. When he knew how to cure loneliness

    “It is always sad when someone leaves home, unless they are simply going around the corner and will return in a few minutes with ice-cream sandwiches.” - "Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid"

  4. Also, this tweet
  5. That time when he nailed your biggest fears

    “The pages of this book, I'm sorry to inform you, contain such unpleasantries as a giant pincher machine, a bad casserole, a man with a cloud of smoke where his head should be, a hypnotist, a terrible accident resulting in injury, and coupons.” - "The Miserable Mill"

  6. When he let Violet and Quigley have a make-out sesh in private

    "So, as Violet and Quigley rest for a few minutes more on a ledge halfway up the frozen waterfall, I will take this opportunity to give them a bit of privacy, by not writing down anything more of what happened between these two friends on that chilly afternoon.” - "The Slippery Slope"

  7. Or when he compared crying to puppet shows

    “Tears are curious things, for like earthquakes or puppet shows they can occur at any time, without any warning and without any good reason.” - "The Wide Window"

  8. When he was a human dictionary

    “I apologize for the watery quality of this letter, but I'm afraid the ink I am using has become diluted, a word which here means ‘soaked with salt water from the ocean and from the author's own tears’." - "The Slippery Slope"

  9. Because he pretty much knows the secrets of the earth

    “The sea is nothing but a library of all the tears in history.” -"The End"

  10. That time he hopped on the struggle bus with us

    “In most cases, the best strategy for a job interview is to be fairly honest, because the worst thing that can happen is that you won’t get the job and will spend the rest of your life foraging for food in the wilderness and seeking shelter underneath a tree or the awning of a bowling alley that has gone out of business.” - "Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid"

  11. When he promoted failing college

    “If you are a student you should always get a good night’s sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside.” - "The Austere Academy"

  12. And basically urged you to stay up past bedtime

    “It is one of life’s bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting.” - "The Grim Grotto"

  13. That time he wrote your epitaph

    "It is likely I will die next to a pile of things I was meaning to read.” - "Who Could That Be at This Hour? (All the Wrong Questions)"

  14. When Mr. Snicket made you feel all the feelings:

    “What happens in a certain place can stain your feelings for that location, just as ink can stain a white sheet.” - "Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid"

  15. GAHHH

    “If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting the rest of our lives.” - "The Ersatz Elevator"

  16. When he summed up middle school in 18 words

    “The best way to keep a secret is to tell everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding.” -- an interview with Lemony Snicket

  17. When he so clearly threw shade at chick flicks

    "I never want to be away from you again, except at work, in the restroom or when one of us is at a movie the other does not want to see." - "The Beatrice Letters"

  18. That time he had Violet pull a Sherlock

    “Violet was holed up in the inventing area of her mind.” - "The Bad Beginning"

  19. And when he threw this curveball

    "People aren’t either wicked or noble … They’re like chef’s salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.” - "The Grim Grotto"

  20. When he gave Fate a bad Yelp review

    “Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.” - "The Slippery Slope"

  21. And finally, when he gave us all a little sliver of a hope

    “What might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey.” A Series of Unfortunate Events (The movie)