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7 Sex Talks Your Dad Will Give You (After The First One)

Just when you thought you were out, he pulls you back in for more awkwardness.

You probably got the "birds and bees" talk sometime in elementary school. Maybe it was when a younger sibling was on the way, or when you were watching "Toy Story" on HBO and "Real Sex" came on right afterward and your parents immediately canceled your cable subscription.

You felt so awkward, but imagine how your dad must've felt explaining that you are the result of him getting freaky with your mom however many years ago. When the conversation was over, you both felt relieved. Unfortunately, it's never really over, because he will repeat this fatherly duty multiple times in your life. And they will all be the worst...

  • When You Start Sex Ed In School

    Whether or not Dad had to sign a permission slip (because you live in a town that local politicians refer to as "real America"), he will have a brief but unbearably awkward talk with you. It will go as follows: "So, sex ed, huh? [25 seconds of silence] You have any questions, you know, you can, uh, you can ask... me. Or your mother!" He'll then go directly to the garage to blow off steam by disassembling and reassembling the engine manifold in his car. Dad stuff.

  • When He Catches You Looking At Adult Websites

    Your dad saw his first pair of boobs in a magazine called "Swank" or "Moist" or "Lush" that his friend's brother's friend's cousin got from his friend who found it inside a fake rock outside his cabin at summer camp in 1973. In other words, he had to work for it, whereas you grew up with constant online access, and he's not really mad at you, he's disappointed, and he doesn't want you looking at that stuff, and he's... huh, what site is that?

    Either way, you will probably get a lock put on your internet, and you will be able to bypass it in roughly .87 seconds.

  • When You Bring Your First Date Home

    How progressive is your father? Because if he lets you two "watch a movie" in your bedroom, then rest assured he's going to present you with a package of condoms and an "I want you to be safe" talk the next day. Just hope he doesn't high-five you and make an awkward comment about your date's attractiveness.

  • When You Go To Prom

    Your dad knows all about prom -- hell, he probably had long hair and sideburns and a powder blue tux and chugged some beer they don't even make anymore with his buddies in the parking lot of some store that closed long ago. He probably had sex that night. He may have even had it with your mom. He have even made YOU that night. So you can't totally blame him for giving another awkward talk that ends with, "Have fun! But not TOO much fun."

  • When You Head Off To College

    For this conversation, pray that you and your father are not trapped in a long car ride, because Dad's gonna get real with you and it's going to be the squirmiest you've ever felt. He'll ask you if you practice safe sex, if you know to be responsible while you're away at school and that's just the tip of the iceberg. It's gonna be gross and awkward and kind of nice to realize that he cares so deeply about your wellbeing.

    Then he'll make a joke about penises or something, and you will kick out the window of the car. At least you'll never have to talk about sex with your dad again, right? Too bad! There's more.

  • When You Make A Mistake

    Pregnancy scare? STD scare? You're gonna get a Dad Lecture, the worst one of your life, on the most awkward subject imaginable. You'll both be mad and scared and uncomfortable, and afterward you'll want to scream into a pillow. Your dad will then cope by playing 36 holes of golf while simultaneously fishing in the pond, making a birdhouse, doing his taxes and souping up the golf cart to only play Dad Rock at top volume. He will reach full Dadittude, basically.

  • On Your Wedding Day

    This is it. After countless weird talks and conversations and cryptic remarks and thinly veiled attempts at figuring out if you're still a virgin or not, you've reached the end of sex talks with your father. Before the wedding, your father will get you alone in a room. He will tear up a bit, hug you and smile widely. Then, he will say: "Wedding day, huh? And wedding night too. I guess it's finally time we have the talk."