There’s been a ton of awesome news lately about “Fuller House,” Netflix’s upcoming “Full House” spinoff. Candace Cameron Bure (DJ Tanner), Jodi Sweetin (Stephanie Tanner) and Andrea Barber (Kimmy Gibbler) got on board early on, followed recently by Bob Saget (Danny Tanner), Lori Loughlin (Aunt Becky), and Dave Coulier (Uncle Joey). And of course, John Stamos (Uncle Jesse) is guest starring and producing the whole shindig.
That’s all well and good, but frankly, we’re still sad about Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s heartbreaking decision to skip the series. Michelle was such a lovable member of the Tanner fam, so we have to ask: How will “Fuller House” explain her absence? They can’t possibly ignore her or pretend she doesn’t exist — they’re going to have to acknowledge that Michelle is a real person who’s off doing (insert reason here), and that’s why she’s never around.
In the spirit of curiosity, we’ve rounded up a list of potential explanations the show could use. Take notes, Netflix.
She ran off with Teddy.
Michelle’s heart was shattered to pieces when she found out her cute little BFF Teddy had to move to Texas. She got so upset that she even tied him to an effin’ chair so he couldn’t leave (which, yes, is bordering on psychotic, but at least she fed him?). Even though he moved back to San Francisco later in the series, it’s likely that Teddy and Michelle had to part ways at some point down the line — probably when they went off to college or something. But these two were so adorable together that we like to imagine they’re living happily ever after, dotting each other’s “i’s” and feeding each other Snickles to their heart’s content.
Or maybe she’s settled down with Howie.
Michelle and Becky’s nephew Howie were practically soulmates from the start (try to resist squealing at the above video, we dare you). She first fell for the little tyke as a toddler in season two, and they later reunited at Becky and Jessie’s wedding, where they made a pact to get married one day so they could feast on a big cake. Which, let’s be real, is the reason most of us want to get married, right?
She’s off looking for the class bird.
On her first day of pre-school, Michelle had a major “womp, womp” moment when she accidentally let her class’ pet bird fly out the window. Danny ended up resolving the situation (naturally) by getting a replacement bird, but it’s entirely possible that the guilt from such a traumatic incident haunted her so much that she made it her life’s purpose to seek out the missing bird. She’s probably wandering around the Appalachians as we speak, “coo-cooing” into the wind.
A toy store owner is holding her captive again.Tumblr
In one of the show’s most super weird, “WTF” moments, guest star Mickey Rooney played a toy store owner who kept Michelle and Uncle Jesse captive because he didn’t want to spend Christmas alone. Has anyone checked to see if Michelle’s still there???
She got her head stuck in the fence again and she’s still stuck there.
The first time she got “stuck,” it was just a ruse masterminded by Stephanie that got blown way out of proportion. So it’s natural to assume that — if she had gotten stuck FOR REAL a second time — everyone would think it was a “boy who cried wolf” scenario and refuse to take her seriously. This forces us to believe that Michelle’s head is stuck in a fence somewhere at this very moment, and Kimmy Gibbler may or may not be force-feeding her sardines to stay alive.
She made so much money from selling lemonade that she’s too rich to bother with a family of commoners.
Any kid who makes enough cash from a lemonade stand to buy a donkey CLEARLY has some stellar business skills. Michelle probably grew up to be a rich and successful Bo$ lady, and she’s probably flying over our heads in a private jet, en route to the deserted island she owns.
She’s out looking for Comet.Tumblr
In another possible pet-searching scenario, Comet could’ve escaped again. The first time he ran away from home, the girls scoured the city looking for their beloved retriever, and he eventually came home (duh, this is “Full House”). But like any pooch in love, he probably started missing his collie companion and ventured out to rekindle their whimsical romance. Michelle would naturally be heartbroken, so she’s either looking for him right now (maybe someone should tell her dog years and human years aren’t created equal?) or she’s simply too miserable to live in San Fran without him.
She moved to Greece to live with her Katsopolis relatives.
Yes, it was DJ who randomly tied the knot with that stud Sylvio after walking around the kitchen table together (LOL). But if any of the Tanner girls were to move to Greece and be with the Katsopolis fam, we’d put our money on Michelle. After all, she had the closest bond to Uncle Jesse, and she was the most deeply affected when Papouli passed away (still weeping about that, TBH). We can totally see her living it up in Greece (maybe with Teddy or Howie!).
She got amnesia again and forgot where she lives.
As we’re sure you remember, Michelle fell off her horse and got amnesia in the show’s series finale (yes, it was kind of a dark ending, but whatever). She eventually remembers her family (thanks to some weird hologram Michelle), wakes up, and everything is dandy once again. But it’s entirely possible that she dealt with recurring effects from the accident years later. Chances are, Michelle forgot where she lives and she’s either wandering the streets of San Fran looking for her house, or she’s begun a completely different life under a new identity — as a fashion designer in New York, perhaps?