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Voldemort, You Dummy: Here Are 7 Better Places To Hide A Horcrux

Seriously? Slytherin's locket? REALLY?

So you want to store a piece of your soul in a Horcrux? No problem -- just do the complete opposite of what Voldemort did in the "Harry Potter" series. What do we mean by that? We mean don't put it in anything super conspicuous or thematically telling. Voldemort did this very thing (seven times, actually), which made it all too easy for Harry and his friends to track down the Dark Lord's spare lives and promptly destroy them.

So where's the best place to hide your Horcruxes if not in illustrious trinkets? Pretty much anywhere else, really. But just for the fun of it, we've come up with seven perfect hiding spots for your would-be soul fragments, as well as some belated alternatives for He Who Must Not Be Named. (Rest in peace, m'lord.) So, without any further ado...

  1. A Rock in the Ocean
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    Let's start with the obvious: take a rock -- any old rock -- turn it into a Horcrux, and toss it into the ocean. Simple, untraceable and impossible to identify. If we're being honest, Voldemort should have just done this seven times and been done with it. Alas, vanity got the better of the Dark Lord, but you and I know better.

    For this, let's operate under the assumption that you've committed -- invariably -- to achieving immortality. Thus, there's no need for you to ever retrieve your own Horcrux. After all, the only reason you would need to retrieve it is if you changed your mind about wanting to live forever. (Yes, Voldemort used his Horcruxes for manipulating his enemies, which was handy, but for our purposes is both risky and unnecessary.)

  2. An Everyday Coin
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    Taking the opposite approach, another good place to hide a Horcrux would be in plain sight. Putting a piece of your soul in a coin would be easy enough. Could be a penny, could be a Galleon -- any coin will do. Put that puppy in circulation, and you (nor any of your enemies) will ever see it again.

  3. Voyager 1 and/or 2
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    Another obvious, but effective, place to keep a Horcrux would be in deep space. If Voldemort had been smart, he would have diverted some of his efforts to accessing a Voyager spacecraft and put a Horcrux in one (or both) prior to launch. In addition to being completely unreachable, a Voyager spacecraft would be easy to keep track of since the DSN still receives data transmissions from them all the time.

  4. The Hope Diamond
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    OK, let's say you want to keep your Horcrux safe but you still have a taste for the theatrical. How's about stashing it in the Hope Diamond? I mean, sure, getting your hands on a Smithsonian display piece would be tricky, but no more so than Slytherin's Locket. Plus, the Hope Diamond is notoriously cursed, so any mischief caused by the Horcrux would be shrugged off as part of a recurring blight. It's the perfect crime!

  5. The Sorcerer's Stone
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    When all else fails, the Wizarding World is still an option. But if you're going to turn a magical object into a Horcrux, it should be one that helps further your cause. Not only does the Sorcerer's Stone produce the Elixir of Life (which makes the drinker immortal), but it also turns any metal into gold! Turn that baby into a Horcrux and you kill two birds (souls?) with one stone.

  6. The Basilisk
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    We'll preface this one by saying that turning any living thing into a Horcrux is a bad idea. (Just ask the headless Nagini.) As Dumbledore himself put it, living things are too unpredictable to be trusted with a piece of your soul. That said, if you're all out of options, the best living Horcrux would probably be a Basilisk -- preferably the one in the Chamber of Secrets.

    Think about it. The Chamber was only opened once in a thousand years (by Voldemort) and would never have been re-opened without Tom Riddle's diary finding its way to Harry. That's not to mention the Basilisk's nigh invulnerability, extreme age and immunity to its own venom -- three great reasons to keep a Horcrux in it.

  7. Literally Anywhere Else in Hogwarts
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    Hey, there's no place safer than Hogwarts, right? (Let's pretend for a minute there are no three-headed dogs or trees that smash people.)

    Look, we're not saying to put a Horcrux in a treasured artifact -- *cough*Ravenclaw's Diadem*cough* -- but that doesn't mean you can't find a suitable hiding spot somewhere around your old alma mater... A brick in the Potions Room, maybe, or a pane of glass in the Great Hall. It could be your favorite goal post on the Quidditch pitch for all we care, just for the love of God don't put it in anything easily mobile... or renowned.