This was a rough night to be a television fan. If you love music, you were probably checking out the premiere of Taylor Swift's "Bad Blood" video. Like olde-timey advertising (or maybe just classic quality TV), then you were tuned in to the finale of "Mad Men." And if you like abject misery and having your heart ripped out of your chest, then you were probably watching "Game of Thrones."
Here's every big moment that made us mad men, and dealt with some seriously bad blood on "Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken":
A Girl Becomes No OneHBO
We open on Arya silently preparing a dead body -- and the most striking part of the scene is how much older Maisie Williams looks now that they've allowed her to clean up a bit. The "previously on" emphasized this too, showing off baby Tyrion from season one, and it's kind of incredible to think back to how young and relatively hopeful everyone was just a few seasons ago.
Anyway, Arya starts to rebel against her nameless roommate, who basically just tells her to get back to work, before Jaqen H'ghar approaches her at night, asking her who she is. Arya -- again looking back -- tells her whole story, and the idea that Arya might give up all of the history we've shared with her up to gain some semblance of revenge is incredibly saddening.
Tyrion & Jorah: Friends ForeverHBO
"As miserable as you are, Mormont, at least your father is a good man," Tyrion tells his captor Jorah Mormont... And again, we're getting some history laid down on us, as Tyrion bonded with Jorah at the Wall in the very first season. From this story, though, Jorah finds out his father was murdered at Craster's house... Then to pay him back, Jorah tells the story of when he first realized Dany would be Queen -- when she emerged from the fire at the end of season one.
It's strange to see this pairing, because usually the surprising team-ups on this show are great (see Jaime and Bronn, later on), but here there's something not quite working. Perhaps it's that Jorah's mission -- to bring Tyrion to Dany -- is predicated on a misunderstanding? Regardless, this plotline will most likely pick up once we hit Meereen... But for now, it's not quite hitting, despite the fun throwback stories.
Approached while cleaning the floors, Arya tells a sick girl -- brought by her father -- a lie: the waters in the fountain healed her when she was sick. She gives the water to the girl, killing her... And opening the doors to the lower levels of the House of Black and White.
What's under THOBAW? Why, just an enormous, never-ending library of faces. This is where the faceless men -- people like Jaqen H'ghar -- take their faces from... The faces that come from the dead bodies of other people. That's some f--ked up magic right there: helping people die, then taking their faces, then wearing their faces, like some sort of Middle-Earth Hannibal Lecter.
I'm A Slave 4 UHBO
Far more interesting than the Tyrion/Jorah pairing? The duo get captured by slavers, who threaten to kill Tyrion and sell his magic penis to a merchant. Tyrion argues you need the dwarf to prove it's a dwarf penis. "It will be dwarf size c--k," says one of slavers, with Tyrion angrily spitting right back, "Guess. Again."
As you'd expect, they get out of it, mostly because Tyrion pumps up Jorah as a prime fighter for Meereen's new fighting pits.
After leaving Sansa to the Bolton's, Littlefinger returns in record time to King's Landing (seriously, how does it take some people an entire season to travel the distance Littlefinger can travel in between episodes?), and proceeds to take both the Sparrows and Cersei down a peg.
It's petty clear Lord Baelish is the ultimate bad guy of Westeros at this point, right? He even drops the info that the Bolton's have Sansa, setting the Lannisters at odds with Winterfell. Unlike Varys, who seems to have the best interests of the realm at heart, Littlefinger wants to burn it down and pick up the pieces with himself in charge at the end.
To that end, he makes a gambit: if Cersei gives him the forces to take back Winterfell, and he will become warden of the North. "As I said, I live to serve," Littlefinger tells her. NOT TRUE, DUDE. As bad as things are, if Littlefinger rules the Eyrie and Winterfell, he's well on his way to ruling all seven of the kingdoms.
That Dorne Cat
We've barely been introduced to Dorne, but huge things go down this episode. Myrcella is making time with her intended husband, Trystane Martell. Jaime and Bronn try to rescue Myrcella from her love's embrace. And then the Sand Snakes attack. And was this one of the best choreographed fights in the history of the show? Yep. Whips, knives, and swords, everything is going awesomely (and actually fun for a change), until...
Areo Hotah, Doran Martell's right hand man, shuts down Ellaria's little insurrection before it begins.
Queen of Thorns For President
Olenna Tyrell, a.k.a. Olenna Redwyne, a.k.a. the Queen of Thorns is the best. She wastes no time heading to Cersei to get Loras out of the Sparrow's prison... She's ultimately unable to change Cersei's mind, because #CerseiProblems, and of course things go from bad to worse when Margaery is called to the stand during Loras' "trial."
She swears that she has no knowledge of Loras being homosexual, so the Sparrows call in Loras' squire, who explains how they "engaged in intimate relation." And that Margaery saw them... And with that, not only is Loras taken to prison, Margaery is, too.
Can Olenna save them? Gosh, we hope so.
Sansa DyesHelen Sloan/ courtesy HBO
Or undyes, actually. Myranda -- Ramsay's lover, and very unsubtle hater of Sansa -- washes the Starks' hair, cleaning the black dye out and returning her to her natural red in time for her wedding day. Myranda threatens her, and Sansa shoots back that she knows exactly what's going on... And looks her in the eye, saying: "I am Sansa Stark of Winterfell. This is my home. And you can't frighten me."
And then it's time for her wedding in the Godswood. It's a beautiful, dark affair, with lanterns everywhere and a scared Theon/Reek giving away the bride. Tying into how the episode started, it's kind of incredible to see Sansa back where she started at Winterfell, getting married.
That's always been her goal, right? To marry a man of high station... And that's what she does, saying, "I take this man" to Ramsay Bolton. Does she know how evil he is? Probably. Particularly when he not only tells her, "take off her clothes," and then forcing Reek to watch. "I don't want to ask a second time. I hate asking a second time," Ramsay tells her as Sansa very slowly undresses. "You've known Sansa since she was a girl. Now watch her become a woman," Ramsay says, then throws her down on his bed.
Reek watches. He cries. Sansa screams.
And. What. The F--k. There's a lot on this show that's gone over the top before, but did this scene go too far? Sansa didn't deserve this, particularly after she finally showed some agency. And sure Ramsay might get his comeuppance at some point... But raping one of the main characters on the show... What's the point? What story is it telling?
"Game of Thrones" has certainly won enough trust by this point to follow where they're go, but this is a very, very tenuous road they're walking. We'll have to see how far it goes.