Wedding bells were a-ringing on this week's new installment of "The Vampire Diaries" -- called "I'll Wed You in the Golden Summertime" to tease the mess out of all of us -- but, sadly, it wasn't the Delena "I do" sesh we've been witch-chanting about all these years. At least not this time.
In fact, Elena (Nina Dobrev) and Damon (Ian Somerhalder) spent an inordinate amount of the episode convincing eachother and everyone else that he should not take a sip and join her in a Cure-fueled state of human bliss and live happily ever after as a pair of baby-making mortals. In other words: TORTURE.
But then one beautiful tear-jerking speech came along and suddenly we know nothing. Zero.
You see, after last week's show, we had all these theories as to how Nina Dobrev's imminent exit might happen (to us, because it certainly isn't happening FOR us, sob). And now we know the only thing we can decisively predict is that the Season 6 finale is clearly going to require all the tissues. Every single one.
Let's review, shall we?
First of all, Elena conspired with Stefan to stop Damon from taking the cure.
In *theory* Elena was all about this perfect life between her and Damon where she becomes a hot shot doctor extraordinaire and he's the sexy-grinned barkeep just below. But she also knew that Damon is a vampire is a vampire is a vampire. Not sorry one bit about any of it. So, she enlisted her former flame Stefan (Paul Wesley) to douse her current ignition, and he was all too happy to oblige. Because human Damon wouldn't forever be his Salvatore sidekick to paint the town red, so to speak.
So we got a major bummer peek at what Damon and Elena's future would be like.
And it is not as a pretty as we envisioned. See, residencies are time-consuming, even for former vampires. And constant boozing can be a downer, even for the oh-so-experienced "bourbon breath" (Elena's lovely term there) in the crowd. Basic math puts that one at a loss. Dang.
Also, the Salvatore Squad would be done and done.
Because, per the fore-thinking Stefan, Damon and Elena would have to go on the lam and keep their whereabouts a secret, even from the one(s) they love most. Because mind control and whatnot. Which means the bromance of the century -- no exaggeration -- would be no more. And who could handle that?
And... again... that question. Is Damon even really cut out for this life of, well, life?
A visit to native suburbia reminded him that, yes, he has a killer instinct and no, he's not amped to part with his many vampiric skills.
But despite Team TurnDownDamon's best efforts -- and they were TOUGH -- he had a spiffy epiphany.
1 cute old couple who still pats bottoms and gives impromptu driveway hugs + 1 on-the-fence Damon = GIMME THE CURE NOW PLEASE AND THANK YOU.
So, then there was *the speech.*
"I'm taking it. I've been a vampire for a long time, Elena. And it's been a blast. But I would give it up for a second to be your husband, your partner, father of your kids ... I can take it for us. Okay? Because even if it doesn't work. Even if it all goes to hell, even if I'm miserable and alone. Because the smallest chance at the perfect life with you is infinitely better than an immortal one without you. And I know this, Elena. I love you. And I will love you until I take my last breath on this Earth."
SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON all day. And then they straight up made lurve. And we died a little.
And it looked like maybe, JUST MAYBE, this was gonna be the fairy tale after all.
Damon as the glowing (wonder why?!) Best Man boasting about his upcoming status as a member of the Human Club? It was almost like "And they all lived ..."
BUT THEY DID NOT ALL LIVE, GUYS.
Stop it. Because Jo and Alaric's wedding was basically the Mystic Falls version of the Red Wedding, ya'll, because damn if sly Kai doesn't have some kinda timing. And now the whole crowd is has been stunned by his stun weapon thing and Elena is a fragile human with no protection and ... we're scared. Officially freaking scared.
Also? There was much other stuff.
Like Caroline and Tyler having a falling out, again. And then she officially called it quits with Stefan because she can't let herself lose control to some boy and plus he didn't even tell her he actually liked her, psssha. So long, Stefaline. You were schmexy indeed.
Oh, and Lily's on the loose again and Kai's back.
So basically ALL HELL IS BREAKING LOOSE AND ONE EPISODE LEFT.
What. Is. Happening.
Hit the comments below with your predictions about the Season 6 finale!