Here’s What Probably Happened At Mila Kunis And Ashton Kutcher’s Secret Wedding

We're imagining what went down at the couple's supposed secret ceremony.

Pop quiz: are Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis married?

Chances are, most of you had to think pretty hard about that one. Because even though our fave onscreen-turned-IRL couple have been dating since 2012, announced their engagement in early 2014, and welcomed a daughter together last fall, they’ve been peculiarly tight-lipped about their marital plans.

But during Mila’s appearance on “The Late Late Show” on Monday (March 23), host James Corden spotted the gold band she was sporting on *that* finger, pressed her about it, and then seemed to assert her wifey status.

We’re super happy for whatever the Kutchers have decided, yet we can’t help but feel a little cheated if we missed out on what was probably an awesome wedding. So to satisfy our curiosity, we’ve dreamed up all the things that might have happened on Mashton’s big day.

  1. Ashton made sure Mila’s “something blue” was a piece of Chicago Bears gear.

    As one of the proudest Bears fans on the planet, Ashton naturally made sure orange and navy blue were prominent colors at the ceremony. We wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Mila was carrying a bouquet of orange roses and blue hydrangea, or that Ashton sported his well-worn Bears cap at the reception.

  2. They totally nailed their “now you may kiss the bride” kiss.
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    Fact: any couple that can successfully conquer the pressure-filled kiss cam situation is automatically set for life.

  3. The happy couple’s vows included references from some of their sweetest “That 70s Show” moments.
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    Jackie and Kelso’s relationship on “That ‘70s Show” — though often tumultuous —gave us tons of cute moments and memorable quotes that we’d like to think Ashton and Mila paid homage to in their vows. After all, had it not been for that show and their characters’ unbelievable chemistry, Mashton might never have made it to the aisle.

  4. Mila let loose at the reception.
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    Though we’ve been robbed of photographic proof, there’s no doubt the 31-year-old was a stunning, glowing bride. But once the reception came around, we’re guessing the fun-loving bride let her hair down and made sure it was an epic party no one would forget.

  5. Wilmer Valderrama gave a hilarious toast, Fez-style.
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    Besides being the resident lovable goofball of “That ‘70s Show,” Fez was also one of Jackie and Kelso’s biggest stans. So how awesome would it have been if Wilmer brought Fez back to life for a hilarious toast where he reminded Ashton and Mila that their wedding cake is *not* the pinnacle of their relationship.

  6. Celeb guests included Natalie Portman and Justin Timberlake.
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    Since Mashton were able to keep their marriage secret so long, we’re thinking it was probably a low-key affair with a very select guest list. But Natalie and Justin HAD to have been there, considering their respective histories with the couple. Mila and Justin co-starred in “Friends with Benefits,” while Justin and Ashton gave us what was arguably THE very best episode of “Punk’d.” As far as Natalie goes, she’s also worked with both Mila and Ashton, in “Black Swan” and “No Strings Attached.” In fact, Natalie’s probably one of the only people who can say that she’s locked lips with both of them. If that’s not an awesome humblebrag, we don’t know what is.

  7. Their first dance was impeccably synchronized.
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    Any married couple will tell you that the first dance is one of the most terrifying and awkward moments ever. Having a room full of people stare you down as you try not to step on your new spouse’s fancy clothes is just an unnaturally pressure-filled situation. Thankfully, Mila’s a trained ballerina, so we’re thinking she took the time to pass on some of her masterful moves to Ashton.

  8. Ashton serenaded Mila.
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    Remember the episode of “That ‘70s Show” where Kelso writes a song for Jackie to try to win her back? Of course you do; it was hilarious. We’d like to think Ashton revisited that scenario by penning a sweeter, more uplifting tune for his bride…that preferably didn’t end with Topher Grace smashing his acoustic guitar to shreds.

  9. Everyone packed the dance floor for the “That 70s Show” theme song.
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    Ashton, Mila, and the rest of their old cast mates (who were obvi in attendance) undoubtedly jammed out to Cheap Trick’s “In The Street.” Say it with me now: “HELLO WISCONSIN!”